Don't Understand My Daughter?

Halfway through Gracie's Kindergarten year, I wrote about her extreme anxiety. At that point in time, I was just starting to accept that she was dealing with this issue; it was becoming increasingly obvious as she went through her first year of school that there was more going on with her than just shyness, timidness, and stubbornness.  I was watching her carefully, talking with her at home about what I was watching, trying to figure out what game she was playing. Being clingy to mom in unfamiliar situations is one thing; being uncomfortable talking to people she doesn't know is one thing; being sad when she has to be away from home is one thing; but being so desperately clingy to mom, even in familiar situations; being unable to talk to people that she does know; being sad even at home...well, that all points to something way more! After much observation, conversation, and research, it started to add up to something identifiable...anxiety. Extreme anxiety, which at 6 years old, she was completely unable to express or understand. She just knew that she was worried; all the time, about little things, big things, often times about nothing.  She just knew that she felt frozen, literally unable to move or speak, when faced with situations that put her on the spot. She just knew that she felt put on the spot any time anybody talked to her. She just knew that she was causing mom and dad to be frustrated a lot, pushing them to the edge when she couldn't cooperate with simple requests or answer the "why" about her behavior. She just knew that she was overcome with worry, that her mind would not stop thinking about the unknowns, the what-ifs, the maybe-this-or-maybe-that. 

As it started to become clear to me that she was suffering from anxiety, I read as much as I could find about childhood anxiety.  I read case after case that were just like her; I talked with others who had dealt with similar types of behaviors in their children (including my own mother, as both of my sisters deal with anxiety). I talked with her teacher, asked questions at her doctor appointment. I talked with my husband at length, because it was becoming more clear to me that he, too, suffers from some anxiety, and that as a child, he dealt with many of the same feelings that Gracie was dealing with. I watched Gracie's behavior even more carefully, and tried techniques I was reading about to help calm her, to help ease the anxiety. I helped her use tools we were learning when she was faced with situations that were uncomfortable, uncertain, and just plain difficult for her. I tried to explain to others why she was behaving as she was. I tried to understand for myself why she was behaving as she was! I wrote, in hopes of helping to explain to family and friends, to those who had asked us "why" so many times before, in hopes of forcing myself to understand. http://www.sufficientgrace7.blogspot.com/2014/03/parenting-anxious-child.html

And life went on, as it has a way of doing. Kindergarten finished, first grade began. Another new situation; new teacher, all-day schedule, busy classroom full of active classmates. We continued to work with Gracie, to push her when she needed pushing, to advocate for her when she needed advocating, to talk to her about what she was feeling, what was going on inside her head, inside her body. We struggled, her dad and I. We struggled alongside her, because as parents you want nothing more than to see your child happy, adjusted, and "normal". We struggled because she pushed us to the brink so often, to that point of frustration where you find yourself yelling, even though you know it's futile. I struggled because I just couldn't understand. I couldn't make sense of it, of why she wouldn't/couldn't just do what I wanted her to do. 

And then, I stopped.

I gave up trying to understand.

I gave up trying to make sense of that which I wouldn't/couldn't understand.

Instead, I accepted.

I accepted that, even though I didn't like it and I didn't want it for my child, this was how it was going to be for Gracie. Anxiety was going to cause her to feel more than a child should feel; to worry more than a child should worry; to stress more than a child should stress. Anxiety was going to make certain situations very difficult for her to handle; it was going to make some situations impossible for her to handle.  Anxiety was her reality. Anxiety IS her reality. With her second grade year now underway, and her 8th birthday on the horizon, she is making progress in understanding for herself how anxiety affects her, and how she can overcome it. She continues to "do courage" and her motto remains "be brave". She is learning to speak up for herself, to advocate for herself, to express herself better. She is learning to face scary, unknown situations without clinging to mom. She is trying harder to talk when spoken to, to not let the freezing take over as often. 

There are those who tell me that I've unnecessarily put a label on my child. There are those who tell me that I'm holding Gracie back by giving her this "crutch" to use when she doesn't want to do something.  There are those who tell my I'm babying her, I'm not forcing her to deal with things herself, I this-that-and-the-other. Truth be told, nothing that anybody has said to me is something I haven't already said to myself.  Truth be told, I hesitated a lot before using the word 'anxiety' in front of Gracie.  Truth be told, I wish I could force her to do anything! Truth be told...anxiety is her reality, and she deserves to know that there is a name for all those feelings she feels too much; for all that worrying she does; for all those scary times that she feels frozen. She deserves to know that anxiety takes hold of her in those moments, that there isn't anything 'bad' or 'wrong' about her. 

In the knowing, Gracie has found some freedom. She can place a name to those feelings, those worries, those stresses, and in doing so she knows what she is trying to overcome. 

In the accepting, I have found some freedom. Letting others know that Gracie suffers from extreme anxiety is not labeling my child; it is putting a name to behavior that is misunderstood as rudeness or stubbornness. Yes, there are times that Gracie is just being rude or playing a game of stubbornness to see what she can get away with. But more often, Gracie is faced with a chemical reaction in her body that causes her to freeze and takes away her ability to speak; this is very real for her. You don't have to understand, but I do hope you will accept. I hope you will give her a chance to work through it; give her time to be able to get the words out. I hope you will accept that her behavior has nothing to do with you; it's not about liking/disliking or trusting/distrusting you. I hope you will stop trying to understand her, and simply start accepting her. 

I don't understand my daughter's anxiety, but I accept that anxiety is her reality.

Don't Understand Me

This blog has been rolling around in my mind for a few weeks now, and after the big "back to school" week we've had, I feel it's the right time to get it written down. It may very well be a two or three part blog, I have a lot to say about this!!

There are a lot of areas in my life, related to my health issues, my parenting style, my children's behaviors, etc, that I find myself continually trying to explain in a way that will help another person understand. It's our instinct to want those around us to understand what we are feeling, why we are making our choices, what is driving us. It too is our instinct to want to understand those same things of others. But I have found, over years of explaining, hoping for understanding, and trying to understand, that the reality is...if you're not in my shoes, feeling what I feel, making the choices I am making, being driven by what is driving me, then you really cannot and will not, ever, truly understand me. To be certain, at some point along the way you will tell me, "I understand how hard that is" or "I understand why you did that" or even "I understand what it's like to be you", and I will say those same things to you. And there will be times that we do actually understand each other, find ourselves coming from the same place, thinking and feeling the same way. There will be times of understanding each other, but more often than not, we say those words without truly meaning them. Because I guarantee that I rarely understand the ways of others, often find myself judging actions and behaviors because they make no sense to me. And because you really don't know how hard it is for me, you really don't understand what it's like to be in my head and body. 

And I am so thankful for that. I embrace your inability to understand me! I encourage you to not understand me! I don't want you to feel what I'm feeling! I don't want your understanding. I don't need your understanding. And I don't need to understand things that make no sense to me. I don't have time to understand those things! You don't have time to understand my things!

Instead, I seek your acceptance. Accept that the way I feel, the choices I make, the things that drive me, are my reality. Accept me for who I am, how I am, and how we are different. In turn, know that I accept you, even when I don't understand you. I accept that we are different, I accept that it makes sense to you even when it seems completely bizarre to me. I accept that what you tell me is your reality.

Don't understand.

Accept.

It seems simple enough when broken down like that...you will not always have the ability to truly and fully understand me but you do have the ability to simply accept me. You cannot possibly understand what it feels like to have a slugged up digestive system that I can, literally, feel working 24/7, 365 days a year, unless you, too, have that same slugged up system. You cannot possibly understand what it feels like for me to live under a cloud of depression, how even when I'm happy and doing the things I enjoy, there's a dark tint to it, a lack of energy that can make it appear that I'm not enjoying life, unless you, too, live under that cloud. 

Truth is, I don't want you to understand, because I don't want you to have the slugged up system or live under that cloud. I do, however, want you to accept that I have that slugged up system and I live under that cloud, and therefore I do not have the same energy for life that you do, I do not make the choices that you might make. I don't need your understanding, but I also don't need your criticism, and often don't need your advice...I just need your acceptance. 

In return, I offer you my acceptance. I have given up trying to understand how those around me, family, friends, and strangers alike, feel or why they act as they do, or make the choices they do, or are driven by what drives them. I won't understand them, because I am not them. I am not walking in their shoes or living in their bodies, so I release myself from the burden of trying to understand. Instead, I accept. I accept you, even when I don't agree with you, even when I think you should act differently or make different choices. I accept that you are living life as you need to, and are happy because you tell me you are, and I accept that we are different. 

It's freeing, this acceptance of others. This letting others just be who they are, regardless of my own understanding or view. In accepting others as they are, I no longer have to expend negative energy at being frustrated at the lack of understanding. I can just do what I'm called to do by God...love. 

Five Years

5 years ago I woke up in the hospital on this day and got to spend some time with my 1 day old son in the nursery...he was so tiny, but no longer under the oxygen hood, though he did have oxygen thru his nose and some other things connected to him, but we could tell he was strong, and a fighter, and the nurses were confident that he was not going to need a NICU. He has brought joy and frustration to my life every day since his early birth, and I wouldn't trade it for anything! He put me through some moments of anxiety when I was pregnant with him, and forced me to slow down my pace and to take care of myself, thus taking care of him. He tried to enter the world on July 5th, but my doctor was able to stop the contractions and keep him in there to cook a bit longer. When I woke up at 2:30am on July 12th, I knew that was going to be the day. (I had complete placenta previa, and after the labor was stopped the week before, my doctor said if there was any more bleeding he would have to do a C-section right away). It was scary, knowing he was coming at just 35 weeks along, but I also knew that God had it under control, and I just needed to stay calm. He entered the world on July 12, 2010 at 8:53am, a little thing at just over 5 pounds, no complications with the C-section, and other than his lungs being a bit underdeveloped, he seemed good. They put him under an oxygen hood for 24 hours, kept him in the nursery for 5 days, only Doug and I could see him, and the hardest thing I had to do was leave the hospital one day before he was released, but we live so very close and I knew it would be my last "good" night of sleep for awhile! They warned us he couldn't leave the hospital until he had been without oxygen in his nose for 24 hours, and each time they removed it they had to put it back after a few hours. Until the day that he pulled it out of his nose himself, and didn't need it again! They warned us he would likely not pass the "car seat test" and would have to leave in a special bucket seat, but he sat strapped in to his car seat in the nursery for 90 minutes keeping his head up, therefore not cutting off his airflow, and was able to go home in his own seat. They warned us his jaundice might get worse and require coming back to be under the lights, but being July there was plenty of sunlight outside so we put him on the floor by the patio several times each day and his skin lost it's orange-y tint quickly. We heeded their warnings but didn't worry, we knew God was in control, and what needed to be would be. 

Being early, we were warned that he would likely be a bit behind with the typical milestones...sitting up, crawling, walking, cutting teeth, etc. While he was pretty small the first couple months and we had to feed him constantly to get his weight up, by six months old you wouldn't even know he had been born early. When we had his first birthday party, he was walking all over the park and showing off his top and bottom teeth. He started throwing a ball around as soon as he could hold one, and at 18 months old was throwing a softball with amazing accuracy to his great-grandpa during a California visit. He picked up a love of trucks early on (kinda a given with his dad's influence!!), and has amassed quite the collection over the years, but more impressive is that he knows every car and truck he has! He can stand in the Hot Wheels section at the store and pick through them quickly, "I have that one, I have that one but it's red instead of yellow, I don't have that one yet!" He has a head for numbers and loves to count, and he likes things to be even, fair, and make sense. He's methodical and careful, as can be evidenced when watching him open his birthday presents. One piece of wrapping paper at a time, and disposing of it before tearing off another piece! He's aware of rules and wants everyone to follow them, which makes for some interesting times playing with his big sister who has a tendency to make rules up as she goes (rules that play in her favor, of course!). 

He can throw a tantrum to rival that of a typical 2 year old, and he can be very intense in his frustration about not getting his way. We have to remind him that stomping, throwing things, punching out into the air, are NOT ways to ensure he will get what he wants, and the garage is full of toys that have been taken away as a result of him continually trying to learn that lesson. He's stubborn, luckily his dad and I are as well so we can out-stubborn him when need be! He's active, and can spend hours playing basketball inside or out (there are hoops on almost every door inside the house), and doing American Ninja Warrior obstacles on the swing set. He's careful, and isn't too keen on getting greasy working on trucks with dad, he prefers to be inside playing with toy trucks while dad is outside playing with real ones.

He loves his momma, and enjoys snuggling up and watching TV or reading. He doesn't like me being gone so much, and will often ask "how many days until you don't have work?" and "how many days don't you have to go to work?" We make the most of evenings, weekends, days off, and talk a lot about how lucky he is to have a daddy at home with him all day, playing and taking care of him. He is a night owl and stays up way too late most days, which will be a difficult thing to break him of before school starts. He likes to sleep in, which will also be a difficult habit to break him of, but we'll get there! He's excited to be going to Kindergarten at "Gracie's school", and while he seems so small to me to be at a big school all day, he also is seeming more and more ready as the summer weeks go by. There are less of the "toddler" moments and more of the "wow, he's such a kid now!" moments. He is enjoying time with his friends this summer, and it's fun to watch him interact with others his age, to listen to their conversations about sports and TV shows, about superheroes and poop, about siblings and technology. He has a great sense of humor, and makes us laugh with his silly comments and goofy antics.

He turned 5 yesterday, and it was a fantastically fun day celebrated with family and friends. We had a party for him at the same park we had his 1st birthday party at, and many of the same family and friends were in attendance. He's so blessed to have such love in his life; close family, lifetime friends, new friends. We're so blessed as a family unit, and we look so forward to the upcoming year of positive changes and growth as we head into the fall and both kids being in school. It's a new chapter, not yet written but full of expectation, and we will take each day as it comes, embracing the trials and rejoicing in the triumphs, but focusing on the moments that make up each day and living each one fully.

Looking Back in Order to Look Forward

It's interesting to look back on something I wrote 2 years ago, and to know that we did something to remedy the time debt we were in, and we are a happier, more fulfilled little family because of it! Interesting too, however, that I feel so much the same now as I did then...that not enough attention is being paid to the moment, to being happy in the right now instead of getting caught up in all the negativity around us, or getting so caught up in an unknown future. If you aren't happy with something in your life, you can make a choice to change it. What you choose to do right now will not only impact this moment, but will impact your future moments, and you have the power to impact them positively. Drown out the negativity in the world around us with your light; let go of things that are draining you financially; let go of people that are draining you emotionally. Decide what you want, not what others want for you, and take action to make it happen. We wanted more time as a family, we took action to bring Doug home from his time-draining retail job. Has it been easy? No. Will it last forever? Probably not. Has it been the right and best thing for our family at this season in our life? Yes. Is it the right thing for other families? Not necessarily. Would we do anything differently? Nope. Less can mean more; less money meant more time for our family, less things (that we incidentally do not get to take to heaven with us when our earthly time is over) meant more meaningful moments spent as a family (of which the memories will last in our hearts and minds far longer than the 'stuff' will last). We weren't happy with our circumstances and did not want to be in the same place five years later...so we made a choice to make a change, and now two years later we continue to be glad we took action! The action we took is not an option for every family, everybody's situation looks differently and what works for some will not work for all. Do not be discouraged by that! Just do what is right for you, and take everything you try as an opportunity to learn and grow, and know that each experience shapes your path of life. Most importantly, live in the moment.

http://www.sufficientgrace7.blogspot.com/…/05/time-debt.html

It's Okay To Be You!

Who are you, really? At your core, in your heart? What do you believe in? What will you stand up for? What do you want to do with your life? What talents do you have that you can share with others? Are you passionate about something? Are you happy? Do you think you are happy, but it seems like everything that the vast media around you is telling you makes it so you feel like it’s not okay to be happy with yourself?

  

Every time I log on to my social media accounts, or peruse the lovely world wide web, or pick up a magazine, or turn on the news…I am bombarded with other people’s thoughts, ideas, quotes, pictures, links to this article or that website, postings that are forwards of what somebody else has posted. Often times, there is a nugget of inspiration in those thoughts, ideas, quotes, articles. Often times, something lifts my blah mood, makes me laugh or smile, helps remind me that there is more going on in the world than what I see in my little bubble of daily life. However, just as often, there are negative things filling my screen, other people’s moments of unhappiness, discontent, and bitterness that can threaten my positive mood, turn my smile into a frown. Quotes and articles that have no foundation, no real value, they are simply another rant about this-that-or-the-other thing that is wrong with society today.  And I find myself wondering…does the person that I am friends with who posted this, really believe in it? Do they realize the negative connotation of what the article says, or the vulgarity of the video, or the complete uselessness of the quote? 

So often “friends” (because really, in this world of social media, are we truly friends with all these followers of us and those we follow?) post items that they believe in, because it speaks to a piece of who they are, or where they are at in their path of life; because it has some sort of impact on them. But the more I read these items, the more I let those things sink into my own consciousness, the more I find myself wanting to tell my “friends” to just stop. Stop reposting everyone else’s thoughts, and start figuring out what your own thoughts are. Stop letting other people dictate what you believe in, or what you want to do with your life, or how you want to share your talents. Stop. Be still. Let go of everyone around you for a minute, and look into your own heart, your own soul, your own mind. 

What do YOU believe in, regardless if your peers share the belief? What will YOU stand up for, regardless if your peers will stand beside you? What do YOU want to do with your life, regardless if your peers tell you it’s wrong or not prosperous enough, or you can do better with what they are doing? What talents do YOU have to share with those around you, regardless if anybody else has that same talent? What are YOU passionate about, regardless if anybody else is passionate about it? Are YOU happy, regardless if your peers are happy and society in general is throwing all kinds of crapola at us that tells us we really shouldn’t be happy, because then we are comfortable, and if we are comfortable, then we aren’t doing enough?

I love to read, when a friend shares a link to an article or blog, chances are pretty good that I'll click on it to check it out. There is a lot of good stuff out there to be shared. A lot of food for thought. I have read a lot of stuff lately about being "authentic". About being your best you; reaching your full potential, creating a legacy of greatness, breaking down barriers, going beyond your comfort zone to do more and be more. But honestly, being authentic is about being genuine. 

Are you being authentic if you're just sharing what someone else has said, or written, or done? It's great to share something that made an impact on you, so share it and also share why it meant something to you. Share a piece of yourself along with the piece of someone else you are forwarding. Are you being genuine if you're just going with the flow of what someone else is doing, because it's working for them? Being genuinely YOU; having your own thoughts, your own ideas, making your own decisions and being content with your choices, is the only way you can truly be authentic. Being happy, being comfortable; because honestly? You need to be comfortable in this crazy, chaotic life. You don’t need to duplicate what somebody else is doing, just because it is their answer to being happy. You don’t need to feel like you are lacking something in your life because you thrive in your comfort, because you’re happy living in your little bubble of daily life, spending time with those you love, doing the things you enjoy. Why is that a bad thing? Why are we being bombarded with things telling us that it’s not okay to life a simple life, doing what you enjoy, providing for your family, being content? Living, loving, laughing, every day. Every moment, because the only guarantee you have is the moment you are living right now.  So live this moment, being authentically YOU, being genuine to who YOU are, letting go of expectations that have been placed on you by others, or that you have placed on yourself, or feel have been placed on you by society, by the concept that it takes more to be happy. It doesn’t. It just takes being YOU; making your mistakes, stumbling but picking yourself back up, being happy, being comfortable, enjoying each moment.

And once in a while, when you see an image that inspires you, or gets your thoughts going, or simply makes you smile, share it, because often times, it will help somebody else. It will get their thoughts going, open up conversations they need to be having, inspire them, or simply make them smile when nothing else can.

When Is More Enough?

I have come to this page several times in the past month to write something, as there has been much on my mind. The words, however, have not been flowing very freely. I find myself in a very introspective mood lately, contemplating a lot of things, seeking some sort of peace with my thoughts. That's not to say I'm unhappy, unsettled, or confused; simply that there is so much thrown at me from outside sources (people, news, social media, etc), that I'm trying to separate what I need to let in from what I don't need to be drawn in to. This world we live in is one that can simply inundate us with stuff that is so decidedly unimportant, yet we easily get drawn into it because it's all around us. Drama and discontent are everywhere, and many people seem to thrive on being part of it. I've often felt this is due mostly in part to fear; fear of stopping, deciding what you want, working to achieve it, and being settled and content with your life. Fear is driven by a lack of confidence, not being confident of your dreams and goals, not being confident of those you choose to walk in life with, not being confident that you've made the right choices, not being confident with being content. I'm not sure where along the path of history it became unacceptable to be settled, to be content, to enjoy a simple life with your family and friends. When did it become necessary to always be having "fun", to drive oneself deeper and deeper into debt in order to have new cars, new technology, lots of things, fancy vacations? When did it become unacceptable to work hard at your job, providing for yourself or your family? Why are we being told that we need to be more, do more, make more, spend more? It's like nothing is ever enough, and the message this is sending to the next generation is a scary one. The message that they are not enough. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to achieve more, if your intention is to do so for personal growth, or to provide a better life for yourself or your family if you're drowning in student loans, credit card debt, or time debt. We must seek continual growth in life, to always be learning new things and living out our goals, dreams, and purpose. Adventure is great, meeting new people is important, trying new things, expanding ourselves beyond our comfort zone. These are not negatives by any means, but nor is it a negative to be happy with your life as it is, as you've chosen it to be. Sometimes we get so caught up in a societal need to have bigger dreams, bigger goals, bigger purpose that we lose sight of who we truly are, what God has created each of us, as an individual, for. He created us to love. As simple as that...love God, love others, love yourself.  

Here's the thing...God created you, in His perfect vision, before He even placed you in your mother's womb. Stop and ponder that for a moment. He knew you first; you are His creation; He created you with purpose and a plan. No one person was created with any more importance than another; we simply were each created for a unique purpose. Your purpose may be small and only have an impact on those directly around you, or it may be huge and have an impact worldwide. Regardless, it is important, it matters, it works with the purposes of others around you. God has written it on your heart, and He will help you succeed if you choose to follow His will. He will help you be who He destined you to be, who He formed you to be, if you will choose to seek Him, to listen to Him, and to not get too caught up in the need for more.

Following It Up

Thank you for your many kind words and support relating to my last post. I didn't post that to garner sympathy or to raise concern of my well-being, but to explain where I've been at the past few months, both physically and mentally. Many of you know that I struggle with a sluggish digestive system that causes me to feel bloated and uncomfortable on a regular basis. I am always aware of my guts, always feeling them, and they are never happy! I tried a new medication recently that was, I hoped, going to be the one finally that would bring me relief...but it didn't work out that way, and often times when that happens it puts me on a bit of a downward spiral with my depression. Such is the way of medical ailments, and I fully realize that what I struggle with is a drop in the bucket compared to what so many are dealing with. However, I also recognize that my struggle is very real, for me. 

My daughter asked me recently how old I was when I discovered that I couldn't drink milk. I answered her quickly, "I was 10", because I remember that year of my live very vividly! It took us several months to determine what was causing my bellyaches and bloating, and even once it was determined that lactose was the culprit, there were more months of learning about everything that contains lactose and how that affects me too. The thing is, not being able to drink milk is not that big a deal. Even having to avoid ice cream, cheese, all those yummy things made with milk and therefore containing lactose, is not that awful. What is awful is that, when I was 20, after suffering from months of bloating and constipation even while avoiding all those foods, it was discovered that I have a motility disorder of my intestines, as well as severe acid reflux disease (GERD), and mild gastroparesis. In more recent years, I also have tested positive regularly for small intestine bacterial overgrowth (SIBO). This means that even if I carefully avoid the lactose-laden foods that will not digest properly, I still feel yucky. All the time. All. The. Time. The other problem is the catch-22 of what to actually eat...carbs are best for the slow digestion, but carbs are the worst thing for the SIBO.

I could write pages on all the tests I've been through, the medications I've tried, the diet tricks, the naturopathic remedies, how aware I am that digestive health is related to many areas we can control (diet, exercise, etc), and so on and so forth. There will always be new things to try, and sometimes they will work. Maybe for a short time, maybe for the long-term. People will always want to share their thoughts with me, give me their tricks and tell me what they know about it. The thing is, as grateful as I am for the continued medical research into motility disorders of the guts, and for the advice, expertise, and general thoughts of others...nobody can really know how I feel and how severely that constant discomfort affects all other aspects of my life. Eating right, exercising, drinking lots of water, taking my medications, taking supplements - all of this aside, I will STILL be bloated, I will STILL be constipated, I will STILL feel generally unwell on a regular basis. 

However...I am used to feeling this way, I am used to doing what I need to despite feeling this way, and I am fortunate to have a 16 year relationship with my GI doctor who knows my complete history with this gastro stuff. I AM okay! I AM going to live each day as fully as I can! I AM going to continue to do all the things I need and want to...care for my family, work, participate in church and school activities, hang out with friends and family...despite how I feel. I am NOT going to let the discomforts of my health issues be an excuse for not doing things, for not living life fully. But there will be times that I am getting through my day by sheer grit, and there will be times that I am extra cranky or despondent, that I cannot get myself going in the morning or cannot participate fully in the tasks of the day. There are times that the cloud over me becomes a cloud inside of me. This is my reality. Writing my blog helps me to process my reality, to share my struggles, to voice things that I am not always able to talk about. 

New Year, New Update

On Monday, October 20th I posted what was intended to be the first of a trio of posts about Fall, my most favorite season. Jump ahead 11 weeks, and here we are on Monday, January 5th, and I am finally writing another blog post. In those 11 weeks, Fall turned to Winter, 2014 turned to 2015, and my favorite holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone. Our daughter turned 7 on Thanksgiving Day, both kids were wide awake on Christmas morning at 4:30am, full of excitement and anticipation of what Santa had left for them. Our preschooler had his Christmas program at school, and participated in the pageant at church. Our first grader looked forward to the 2 week school break, and went back to school this morning with mixed emotions...excited to see friends again, sad to not be home playing with Daddy all day, grumpy at having to wake up early after so many days of sleeping in. There was a company Christmas party that Doug and I had fun at, (even though it's work for me!), a visit with Santa, several Christmas gatherings bringing the opportunity to see lots of family and friends. Last week brought a nice 5-day weekend for me, with ample time to spend at home putting Christmas away, finding a place for the kids' new toys, falling asleep before midnight on New Year's Eve (and being annoyed at the fireworks waking me up at 12am!), relaxing and reading, catching up on housework and home finances. Pondering 2014, getting ready for 2015 and getting back to work, back to school, back to regular routines. Thinking about this blog posting that has been on my mind for several weeks now, my need to share where I'm at these days, and why I've been silent, distant.

The main reason I've been silent from my blog, and silent from much of life outside of work and family, is that my ongoing digestive discomforts and associated depression have really taken over. My energy levels are depleted, and I tend to use what I have at work to get my job done and the little that's left is given to my children. Often times, they get the worst of me at home...short-tempered, cranky, despondent. Way too many evenings find me on the couch from the time I get home from work until the time I gratefully go to bed, where I would just as soon spend my days right now. Many days I put up a good front to get through whatever needs my attention...but inside, I just look forward to 9pm when I can go to bed and not have to feel or think for 8 to 10 hours. I am content to simply read novels and drink hot tea all day. I WANT to feel better then this, I WANT to have energy and motivation to interact with my husband and my children, to do more with my day. I fully recognize that depression has me in it clutches, and my relationships are suffering as a result. If you are one of the friends I've neglected, I apologize. I apologize to my children regularly. I apologize to my husband regularly as well, try to seek his understanding. I apologize to myself constantly...I know I'm better than the depression, I know I'm capable of doing more and living more despite not feeling well. I intend to see my doctor soon and increase my anti-depressants, because regardless of how anybody views medication and depression, I KNOW the difference in myself and I KNOW that I can feel better and more alive with the right prescription.

I share this with you not to seek empathy or comfort, but simply to explain. There are several people who I have essentially shut out in past months, I imagine if you are one of them, reading this, you know who you are. I've not answered phones calls and texts, put off lunch dates, used the 'so busy' excuse way too many times. The thing is, even though I recognize that I'm depressed, I am somewhat helpless to do anything about it. I know that won't make sense to most, and that is perfectly okay. Much like the problems I have with my guts and the discomfort I feel 24/7, the cloud of depression is another thing I would prefer that you not understand. To truly comprehend, you would have to be suffering the same things, and I wish that on nobody.

I share this with you not to seek answers or options, but simply to explain. To explain that I am okay, at the heart of it, I am truly okay. I am strong, and I know what steps I can take to get my mental health back on track. I am not feeling hopeless. I have not given up. I have lived with this stuff for 16+ years, and the most important part of that statement is...I Have Lived. I haven't ever given up, haven't ever crawled under the covers and said "I'm Done", haven't lost hope that someday there will be something that gets my guts working properly again. I continue to live. To work, to take care of my family, to participate in the PTA and church, to be social. The times that I'm quiet, and I don't respond to messages or I put off social plans, or I appear to be forcing myself to smile (I most likely am!), or I'm present but I'm not really there...I apologize for those times. There will be more of those times, I'm certain of this, and while I don't ask you to understand, I do ask you to accept. Accept that I'm not actually shutting you out, that I do care, that I am living...just that there is a cloud over me, and I'm doing my best to be my best self despite it. 

I'm posting this blog today for two main reasons...the first one being, there are several friends and family members who I hope will read this post and "hear" where I'm at, where I've been the past few months, in my ongoing battle with my guts and the subsequent depression I suffer from; and two, I think that how I'm feeling, as though there is a cloud of depression over me, is not something that I am alone in, but I think a lot of people don't know how to talk about it, or how to explain it, or may not even realize they are suffering from it. I just want to put a voice to it, and to the very real struggle that I go through daily, knowing the cloud is over me and not wanting to let it drag me all the way under. It won't ever drag me under, because I keep my eyes above and I know, without any shadow of a doubt, that the Lord is walking beside me and providing me hope and peace. It doesn't have to make sense, why my body doesn't work properly and why I have to feel this way all the time, it just is. Just as it may not make sense that I would continue to find hope and trust in the Lord, but I do.