The Silly Side

Thank you for the kind words of support after my last post about Gracie's dental experience. I write about things such as that for two main reasons...to process the situation for myself in a way that I can reflect back on as I learn from it, and to help other parents who may be dealing with similar things. I think it's easy for us parents to feel that we have failed our child when they don't cooperate in a situation the way we think they should; the way we think is "normal", as has been dictated to us by society and the experiences and standards of others. I say to that...you have not failed, nor has your child. We each are unique and have our own way of dealing with things, and it's important not to let the judgements and assumptions of others get us down. 

So, moving on...it's not all anxiety and difficulties around here! Gracie has the most fabulous imagination, and her ability to entertain herself has always been one of her strengths. This past year she has embraced the written word in many ways; she loves to read, and she loves to write. She recently wrote an adorable short story, and has encouraged me to share it with my blog audience. Keep in mind, she just turned 8 years young...she is innocent in all the best ways, and the context of her story is very literal for her. We as adults read it and find all sorts of silly, cute innuendos that we giggle at, and she will have so much fun reading this when she's older and understands the facts of life. For now, please enjoy this as a light-hearted, fun example of the imagination of Gracie, as she expresses herself through writing. 

'The Big Day For Gracie!'

by Gracie, age 8

One day in the big city there was a surprise for the special girl whose name was Gracie. She wore a tuxedo suit, even though she was a girl. No one knew what the surprise was for. Everyone brought a gift for her. A tall man stepped on the stage and said: She is coming! Gracie did not  know why a stage was there. A man said 'go on the stage' and Gracie went on the stage and then everybody yelled really loud 'Surprise!!!'. Gracie got really startled by the loud noise and she fell to the ground. But she was ok. One at a time each person went up on the stage and gave Gracie a gift, that is what the gifts are for. A little boy named Joel said 'You are a grownup right?'. I said yes. 'And you are married right.' I said yes. 'Do you have any kids?' I said no. 'So go the the hospital.' Why? 'Because it is a secret.' Why? 'Just go, ok?'. So Gracie went to the hospital. A man was working there, he said "Are you Gracie?" and I said yes. "Come this way", so I followed the person. He brought me to a room with a machine that said: Pregnant. 'Oh no, I have to call my husband' I said. "Ok" said the man. I called Ryan. He is my husband. And I said to him: Ryan, get over here, I am going to get pregnant. Ryan said "Ok!" He got there just in time, a man was putting me in a bed on wheels. A hospital bed! Ryan said, "Ok, my wife can get pregnant." The man put me in a machine! It took like ten or 20 minutes and when I came out I was pregnant! I said O.M.G. and so did Ryan! A couple months later me and Ryan and my family went on a boat ride. In the middle of the ride the baby in my tummy was pushing and kicking so we all got off the boat in a hurry. They all picked me up and quickly we found a hospital and I went in there and I pushed the baby out. We named the baby David.

The End.

written 12-20-15

Ah, the innocence! Gracie has always liked playing 'being pregnant' and she loves babies. She often talks about when she is a grownup and gets married, she will marry Ryan (her BFF from Kindergarten) and they will have one baby boy and name him David. She does not like loud noises at all, and she is much happier wearing pants over a dress for special occasions. She has no idea how babies are made (and she reads quite well and may very likely read this blog post, so we will just leave that at that for now!!) but I think her version of it is fantastic!! A few days prior to her writing this story, she watched Cheaper By The Dozen 2 and was enchanted with the oldest child being pregnant, and at the end of the movie the family is all out on a boat, and the daughter goes into labor. I love how Gracie incorporated her dreams of the future, her comfort zone, and a movie sequence that left an impression on her into a cute short story that she was very proud of writing! She has written 2 more stories to follow this one, Day 2 and Day 3, but this first one is the best example of imagination!

That. Was Rough.

Sometimes I think I need to carry around a "mommy card" with me, something to hand out to whomever I am confronted with that needs to know that my daughter isn't like most kids her age. She suffers from debilitating anxiety, and she may not have the same reaction to, say, the dentist, as another child would. She may freeze with the inexplicable fear that the process is going to hurt; she may not be able to shake the idea from her head that the hygienist is mean and dislikes her; she may be gathering all her courage and bravery and fighting the worry bully with everything she has, but still may not be able to cooperate. And as her mother, I will advocate for her. I will not be forced from the room, or allow my child to be made to feel that she is simply being uncooperative or she lacks discipline. I will speak up for her when she is literally unable to speak up for herself. I will support her fears, though they are unfounded and do not make any sense. They are very real to her, and I recognize this, and I will stand up for her. I will not be bullied by the judgement of others who have no idea what is going on inside my daughter's body. 

So, with that said, Gracie had a dentist appointment this morning. This was her third time at this particular clinic, with the previous two times not being very successful. We consulted with the dentist the last time and decided to try one more "regular" appointment and see how she does. I made the appointment just yesterday, so she didn't have a long time to worry and fret over it. It was first thing in the morning so there weren't a lot of other patients to overwhelm her. I talked calmly with her about it on the drive there. She was ready; she had her comfort items to hold onto, she was practicing her breathing, and she was determined to get through this will full cooperation.

Then she was called back to the exam room. I went with her, knowing she simply is not able to cope with something like this on her own. Maybe "most" 8 year olds don't "need" their parent to accompany them to the dentist chair, but my child needs me, case closed, judgement from others not necessary. She was fine walking back, but as soon as the chair was in view, she froze. I felt it, her entire body literally stopped, her breathing got fast, and she struggled between a panic attack and wanting to cooperate. It broke my heart.

She managed to get into the chair, but no amount of pleading, begging, deep breathing, other coping techniques, threatening, etc could get her to open her mouth. The hygienist was patient, she stayed calm, she asked me the questions I'm used to by now..."is she on medication?", "what does her doctor say?", "does she go to therapy?", "maybe it would be better if you weren't here?". I basically let her know that my daughter has extreme anxiety, she has learned several coping mechanisms and has come a long way in the last two years, but certain situations cause a high anxiety reaction, and obviously the dentist is one of them.

The dentist came to see Gracie and suggested a panoramic X-ray so he could see what's going on in her mouth and determine a plan of action. She cooperated beautifully for the X-ray, they were able to see the cavities, the plaque build-up, the baby teeth that need to come out. We decided a sedated appointment to take care of everything at one time, while she sleeps, would be best for her. We scheduled that and went on our way.

I cried more in that hour at the dentist office than I have in the entire last few months. My heart broke for my child. I was so sad for her, that she was so overcome with fear and anxiety and unable to do what she most wanted to do...cooperate. In the car, she kept saying "I'm so sorry mommy. I tried my best mommy. I don't know why I couldn't cooperate mommy. Are you mad mommy?" I assured her she most definitely DID try her hardest to overcome the fear, and she was not in any trouble, and no I'm not mad, I'm crying because I'm sad for her, and I want to be able to take those icky feelings away for her, but I can't, and that stinks.

It stinks. It's rough. Others don't understand. I feel judged, and in that judgement it's obvious that I have failed. There's a litany of things I haven't done right over the past 8 years that have led to my daughter's behavior being this way. I should have...if only I had...why didn't I...why. Why indeed. As quick as I feel that judgement, I reject it.

I may not have done everything exactly right over the past 8 years, but my daughter's anxious behavior and unfounded fears are not my fault. They are not her fault either. This is simply part of her makeup; a struggle to be sure, but one she will continue to manage with bravery and courage. I will not be made to feel like a parental failure because my child is unable to cooperate with a dental cleaning. I will most certainly not allow my child to feel like a failure because of this either. She did not fail today. She dug deep down to find her courage, she let an X-ray be taken that was able to provide the dentist the big picture of her mouth, and we came up with a plan to get her taken care of. She tried her best to fight the fear and to beat up the worry bully. She didn't just lay down and let him walk all over her. She didn't just give in to the panic attack and let it take her body over. She fought. In doing so, she's a winner in my book. 

Loaded Question

How are you?

It's such a simple question, and too often when we ask it we aren't really listening to the answer. We're expecting 'fine', 'good', 'okay', or one of the other standard platitudes that most of us respond with when asked. Have you ever wondered what would happen if we all answered that question honestly? If we laid it all out there, were completely transparent and vulnerable with how we truly felt in that moment?

How are you?

Well, honestly, I'm not so great today. I have a headache, I didn't sleep well last night, I'm bloated, and I truly wish I was in bed right now, snuggled cozily under the covers, sleeping with blissful ignorance of the turmoil in and around me. I'm feeling irritable, did I mention I have a headache? I'm tired, I'm having a difficult time focusing on my work, I'm easily distracted today and have only gotten as far as I have through grace and grit. I'm feeling frustrated with people, with chaos going on in the global world, with monetary and social injustices that I have zero control over, that maybe don't even directly affect me, but I'm irritated about it all the same. 
At the very same time, though, I feel blessed. I'm facing my day with difficulties and distractions, but I'm facing my day. I'm feeling weak in body, but strong in spirit.

And how are YOU today? Truthfully? Be honest with yourself, because it's okay for you to not be okay. It's okay to have a rough day, week, month...year. It's okay to not have everything going the way you would like it to. It's okay if you're feeling off. It's okay, as long as you are continuing to live. Continuing to accept grace and find your grit and face each day, feeling grateful and knowing you are blessed. After all, you woke up this morning...that alone is something to be grateful for.