Looking Back in Order to Look Forward

It's interesting to look back on something I wrote 2 years ago, and to know that we did something to remedy the time debt we were in, and we are a happier, more fulfilled little family because of it! Interesting too, however, that I feel so much the same now as I did then...that not enough attention is being paid to the moment, to being happy in the right now instead of getting caught up in all the negativity around us, or getting so caught up in an unknown future. If you aren't happy with something in your life, you can make a choice to change it. What you choose to do right now will not only impact this moment, but will impact your future moments, and you have the power to impact them positively. Drown out the negativity in the world around us with your light; let go of things that are draining you financially; let go of people that are draining you emotionally. Decide what you want, not what others want for you, and take action to make it happen. We wanted more time as a family, we took action to bring Doug home from his time-draining retail job. Has it been easy? No. Will it last forever? Probably not. Has it been the right and best thing for our family at this season in our life? Yes. Is it the right thing for other families? Not necessarily. Would we do anything differently? Nope. Less can mean more; less money meant more time for our family, less things (that we incidentally do not get to take to heaven with us when our earthly time is over) meant more meaningful moments spent as a family (of which the memories will last in our hearts and minds far longer than the 'stuff' will last). We weren't happy with our circumstances and did not want to be in the same place five years later...so we made a choice to make a change, and now two years later we continue to be glad we took action! The action we took is not an option for every family, everybody's situation looks differently and what works for some will not work for all. Do not be discouraged by that! Just do what is right for you, and take everything you try as an opportunity to learn and grow, and know that each experience shapes your path of life. Most importantly, live in the moment.

http://www.sufficientgrace7.blogspot.com/…/05/time-debt.html

It's Okay To Be You!

Who are you, really? At your core, in your heart? What do you believe in? What will you stand up for? What do you want to do with your life? What talents do you have that you can share with others? Are you passionate about something? Are you happy? Do you think you are happy, but it seems like everything that the vast media around you is telling you makes it so you feel like it’s not okay to be happy with yourself?

  

Every time I log on to my social media accounts, or peruse the lovely world wide web, or pick up a magazine, or turn on the news…I am bombarded with other people’s thoughts, ideas, quotes, pictures, links to this article or that website, postings that are forwards of what somebody else has posted. Often times, there is a nugget of inspiration in those thoughts, ideas, quotes, articles. Often times, something lifts my blah mood, makes me laugh or smile, helps remind me that there is more going on in the world than what I see in my little bubble of daily life. However, just as often, there are negative things filling my screen, other people’s moments of unhappiness, discontent, and bitterness that can threaten my positive mood, turn my smile into a frown. Quotes and articles that have no foundation, no real value, they are simply another rant about this-that-or-the-other thing that is wrong with society today.  And I find myself wondering…does the person that I am friends with who posted this, really believe in it? Do they realize the negative connotation of what the article says, or the vulgarity of the video, or the complete uselessness of the quote? 

So often “friends” (because really, in this world of social media, are we truly friends with all these followers of us and those we follow?) post items that they believe in, because it speaks to a piece of who they are, or where they are at in their path of life; because it has some sort of impact on them. But the more I read these items, the more I let those things sink into my own consciousness, the more I find myself wanting to tell my “friends” to just stop. Stop reposting everyone else’s thoughts, and start figuring out what your own thoughts are. Stop letting other people dictate what you believe in, or what you want to do with your life, or how you want to share your talents. Stop. Be still. Let go of everyone around you for a minute, and look into your own heart, your own soul, your own mind. 

What do YOU believe in, regardless if your peers share the belief? What will YOU stand up for, regardless if your peers will stand beside you? What do YOU want to do with your life, regardless if your peers tell you it’s wrong or not prosperous enough, or you can do better with what they are doing? What talents do YOU have to share with those around you, regardless if anybody else has that same talent? What are YOU passionate about, regardless if anybody else is passionate about it? Are YOU happy, regardless if your peers are happy and society in general is throwing all kinds of crapola at us that tells us we really shouldn’t be happy, because then we are comfortable, and if we are comfortable, then we aren’t doing enough?

I love to read, when a friend shares a link to an article or blog, chances are pretty good that I'll click on it to check it out. There is a lot of good stuff out there to be shared. A lot of food for thought. I have read a lot of stuff lately about being "authentic". About being your best you; reaching your full potential, creating a legacy of greatness, breaking down barriers, going beyond your comfort zone to do more and be more. But honestly, being authentic is about being genuine. 

Are you being authentic if you're just sharing what someone else has said, or written, or done? It's great to share something that made an impact on you, so share it and also share why it meant something to you. Share a piece of yourself along with the piece of someone else you are forwarding. Are you being genuine if you're just going with the flow of what someone else is doing, because it's working for them? Being genuinely YOU; having your own thoughts, your own ideas, making your own decisions and being content with your choices, is the only way you can truly be authentic. Being happy, being comfortable; because honestly? You need to be comfortable in this crazy, chaotic life. You don’t need to duplicate what somebody else is doing, just because it is their answer to being happy. You don’t need to feel like you are lacking something in your life because you thrive in your comfort, because you’re happy living in your little bubble of daily life, spending time with those you love, doing the things you enjoy. Why is that a bad thing? Why are we being bombarded with things telling us that it’s not okay to life a simple life, doing what you enjoy, providing for your family, being content? Living, loving, laughing, every day. Every moment, because the only guarantee you have is the moment you are living right now.  So live this moment, being authentically YOU, being genuine to who YOU are, letting go of expectations that have been placed on you by others, or that you have placed on yourself, or feel have been placed on you by society, by the concept that it takes more to be happy. It doesn’t. It just takes being YOU; making your mistakes, stumbling but picking yourself back up, being happy, being comfortable, enjoying each moment.

And once in a while, when you see an image that inspires you, or gets your thoughts going, or simply makes you smile, share it, because often times, it will help somebody else. It will get their thoughts going, open up conversations they need to be having, inspire them, or simply make them smile when nothing else can.

When Is More Enough?

I have come to this page several times in the past month to write something, as there has been much on my mind. The words, however, have not been flowing very freely. I find myself in a very introspective mood lately, contemplating a lot of things, seeking some sort of peace with my thoughts. That's not to say I'm unhappy, unsettled, or confused; simply that there is so much thrown at me from outside sources (people, news, social media, etc), that I'm trying to separate what I need to let in from what I don't need to be drawn in to. This world we live in is one that can simply inundate us with stuff that is so decidedly unimportant, yet we easily get drawn into it because it's all around us. Drama and discontent are everywhere, and many people seem to thrive on being part of it. I've often felt this is due mostly in part to fear; fear of stopping, deciding what you want, working to achieve it, and being settled and content with your life. Fear is driven by a lack of confidence, not being confident of your dreams and goals, not being confident of those you choose to walk in life with, not being confident that you've made the right choices, not being confident with being content. I'm not sure where along the path of history it became unacceptable to be settled, to be content, to enjoy a simple life with your family and friends. When did it become necessary to always be having "fun", to drive oneself deeper and deeper into debt in order to have new cars, new technology, lots of things, fancy vacations? When did it become unacceptable to work hard at your job, providing for yourself or your family? Why are we being told that we need to be more, do more, make more, spend more? It's like nothing is ever enough, and the message this is sending to the next generation is a scary one. The message that they are not enough. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to achieve more, if your intention is to do so for personal growth, or to provide a better life for yourself or your family if you're drowning in student loans, credit card debt, or time debt. We must seek continual growth in life, to always be learning new things and living out our goals, dreams, and purpose. Adventure is great, meeting new people is important, trying new things, expanding ourselves beyond our comfort zone. These are not negatives by any means, but nor is it a negative to be happy with your life as it is, as you've chosen it to be. Sometimes we get so caught up in a societal need to have bigger dreams, bigger goals, bigger purpose that we lose sight of who we truly are, what God has created each of us, as an individual, for. He created us to love. As simple as that...love God, love others, love yourself.  

Here's the thing...God created you, in His perfect vision, before He even placed you in your mother's womb. Stop and ponder that for a moment. He knew you first; you are His creation; He created you with purpose and a plan. No one person was created with any more importance than another; we simply were each created for a unique purpose. Your purpose may be small and only have an impact on those directly around you, or it may be huge and have an impact worldwide. Regardless, it is important, it matters, it works with the purposes of others around you. God has written it on your heart, and He will help you succeed if you choose to follow His will. He will help you be who He destined you to be, who He formed you to be, if you will choose to seek Him, to listen to Him, and to not get too caught up in the need for more.

Following It Up

Thank you for your many kind words and support relating to my last post. I didn't post that to garner sympathy or to raise concern of my well-being, but to explain where I've been at the past few months, both physically and mentally. Many of you know that I struggle with a sluggish digestive system that causes me to feel bloated and uncomfortable on a regular basis. I am always aware of my guts, always feeling them, and they are never happy! I tried a new medication recently that was, I hoped, going to be the one finally that would bring me relief...but it didn't work out that way, and often times when that happens it puts me on a bit of a downward spiral with my depression. Such is the way of medical ailments, and I fully realize that what I struggle with is a drop in the bucket compared to what so many are dealing with. However, I also recognize that my struggle is very real, for me. 

My daughter asked me recently how old I was when I discovered that I couldn't drink milk. I answered her quickly, "I was 10", because I remember that year of my live very vividly! It took us several months to determine what was causing my bellyaches and bloating, and even once it was determined that lactose was the culprit, there were more months of learning about everything that contains lactose and how that affects me too. The thing is, not being able to drink milk is not that big a deal. Even having to avoid ice cream, cheese, all those yummy things made with milk and therefore containing lactose, is not that awful. What is awful is that, when I was 20, after suffering from months of bloating and constipation even while avoiding all those foods, it was discovered that I have a motility disorder of my intestines, as well as severe acid reflux disease (GERD), and mild gastroparesis. In more recent years, I also have tested positive regularly for small intestine bacterial overgrowth (SIBO). This means that even if I carefully avoid the lactose-laden foods that will not digest properly, I still feel yucky. All the time. All. The. Time. The other problem is the catch-22 of what to actually eat...carbs are best for the slow digestion, but carbs are the worst thing for the SIBO.

I could write pages on all the tests I've been through, the medications I've tried, the diet tricks, the naturopathic remedies, how aware I am that digestive health is related to many areas we can control (diet, exercise, etc), and so on and so forth. There will always be new things to try, and sometimes they will work. Maybe for a short time, maybe for the long-term. People will always want to share their thoughts with me, give me their tricks and tell me what they know about it. The thing is, as grateful as I am for the continued medical research into motility disorders of the guts, and for the advice, expertise, and general thoughts of others...nobody can really know how I feel and how severely that constant discomfort affects all other aspects of my life. Eating right, exercising, drinking lots of water, taking my medications, taking supplements - all of this aside, I will STILL be bloated, I will STILL be constipated, I will STILL feel generally unwell on a regular basis. 

However...I am used to feeling this way, I am used to doing what I need to despite feeling this way, and I am fortunate to have a 16 year relationship with my GI doctor who knows my complete history with this gastro stuff. I AM okay! I AM going to live each day as fully as I can! I AM going to continue to do all the things I need and want to...care for my family, work, participate in church and school activities, hang out with friends and family...despite how I feel. I am NOT going to let the discomforts of my health issues be an excuse for not doing things, for not living life fully. But there will be times that I am getting through my day by sheer grit, and there will be times that I am extra cranky or despondent, that I cannot get myself going in the morning or cannot participate fully in the tasks of the day. There are times that the cloud over me becomes a cloud inside of me. This is my reality. Writing my blog helps me to process my reality, to share my struggles, to voice things that I am not always able to talk about. 

New Year, New Update

On Monday, October 20th I posted what was intended to be the first of a trio of posts about Fall, my most favorite season. Jump ahead 11 weeks, and here we are on Monday, January 5th, and I am finally writing another blog post. In those 11 weeks, Fall turned to Winter, 2014 turned to 2015, and my favorite holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone. Our daughter turned 7 on Thanksgiving Day, both kids were wide awake on Christmas morning at 4:30am, full of excitement and anticipation of what Santa had left for them. Our preschooler had his Christmas program at school, and participated in the pageant at church. Our first grader looked forward to the 2 week school break, and went back to school this morning with mixed emotions...excited to see friends again, sad to not be home playing with Daddy all day, grumpy at having to wake up early after so many days of sleeping in. There was a company Christmas party that Doug and I had fun at, (even though it's work for me!), a visit with Santa, several Christmas gatherings bringing the opportunity to see lots of family and friends. Last week brought a nice 5-day weekend for me, with ample time to spend at home putting Christmas away, finding a place for the kids' new toys, falling asleep before midnight on New Year's Eve (and being annoyed at the fireworks waking me up at 12am!), relaxing and reading, catching up on housework and home finances. Pondering 2014, getting ready for 2015 and getting back to work, back to school, back to regular routines. Thinking about this blog posting that has been on my mind for several weeks now, my need to share where I'm at these days, and why I've been silent, distant.

The main reason I've been silent from my blog, and silent from much of life outside of work and family, is that my ongoing digestive discomforts and associated depression have really taken over. My energy levels are depleted, and I tend to use what I have at work to get my job done and the little that's left is given to my children. Often times, they get the worst of me at home...short-tempered, cranky, despondent. Way too many evenings find me on the couch from the time I get home from work until the time I gratefully go to bed, where I would just as soon spend my days right now. Many days I put up a good front to get through whatever needs my attention...but inside, I just look forward to 9pm when I can go to bed and not have to feel or think for 8 to 10 hours. I am content to simply read novels and drink hot tea all day. I WANT to feel better then this, I WANT to have energy and motivation to interact with my husband and my children, to do more with my day. I fully recognize that depression has me in it clutches, and my relationships are suffering as a result. If you are one of the friends I've neglected, I apologize. I apologize to my children regularly. I apologize to my husband regularly as well, try to seek his understanding. I apologize to myself constantly...I know I'm better than the depression, I know I'm capable of doing more and living more despite not feeling well. I intend to see my doctor soon and increase my anti-depressants, because regardless of how anybody views medication and depression, I KNOW the difference in myself and I KNOW that I can feel better and more alive with the right prescription.

I share this with you not to seek empathy or comfort, but simply to explain. There are several people who I have essentially shut out in past months, I imagine if you are one of them, reading this, you know who you are. I've not answered phones calls and texts, put off lunch dates, used the 'so busy' excuse way too many times. The thing is, even though I recognize that I'm depressed, I am somewhat helpless to do anything about it. I know that won't make sense to most, and that is perfectly okay. Much like the problems I have with my guts and the discomfort I feel 24/7, the cloud of depression is another thing I would prefer that you not understand. To truly comprehend, you would have to be suffering the same things, and I wish that on nobody.

I share this with you not to seek answers or options, but simply to explain. To explain that I am okay, at the heart of it, I am truly okay. I am strong, and I know what steps I can take to get my mental health back on track. I am not feeling hopeless. I have not given up. I have lived with this stuff for 16+ years, and the most important part of that statement is...I Have Lived. I haven't ever given up, haven't ever crawled under the covers and said "I'm Done", haven't lost hope that someday there will be something that gets my guts working properly again. I continue to live. To work, to take care of my family, to participate in the PTA and church, to be social. The times that I'm quiet, and I don't respond to messages or I put off social plans, or I appear to be forcing myself to smile (I most likely am!), or I'm present but I'm not really there...I apologize for those times. There will be more of those times, I'm certain of this, and while I don't ask you to understand, I do ask you to accept. Accept that I'm not actually shutting you out, that I do care, that I am living...just that there is a cloud over me, and I'm doing my best to be my best self despite it. 

I'm posting this blog today for two main reasons...the first one being, there are several friends and family members who I hope will read this post and "hear" where I'm at, where I've been the past few months, in my ongoing battle with my guts and the subsequent depression I suffer from; and two, I think that how I'm feeling, as though there is a cloud of depression over me, is not something that I am alone in, but I think a lot of people don't know how to talk about it, or how to explain it, or may not even realize they are suffering from it. I just want to put a voice to it, and to the very real struggle that I go through daily, knowing the cloud is over me and not wanting to let it drag me all the way under. It won't ever drag me under, because I keep my eyes above and I know, without any shadow of a doubt, that the Lord is walking beside me and providing me hope and peace. It doesn't have to make sense, why my body doesn't work properly and why I have to feel this way all the time, it just is. Just as it may not make sense that I would continue to find hope and trust in the Lord, but I do. 

Why I Love Fall - Reason #1

Gorgeous fall colors! I love the deep reds, variant shades of orange, the bright yellows, all mixed in with the green still left from summer. Trees in fall make me smile. Checking out the trees in fall with my little family makes me smile more.

Gracie in my parents' backyard, October 2009...






















Doug & Gracie at Oregon Heritage Farms, October 2010 & October 2011

We missed a fall foliage picture in 2012, but continued the tradition of the "Daddy & Gracie at the apple farm" picture at Oregon Heritage Farms in 2013...

This weekend we made our annual stop at the apple farm, and Gracie was decked out in her pumpkin hat...the same one she is wearing in her 2009 picture, it's a Gymboree size 18-24 months!! Here she is with Daddy at Oregon Heritage Farms, October 2014...

Time Off

To say that time flies by is so redundant, it's an excuse we over-use to explain away why we haven't done something or why we haven't been in touch with someone. There is truth in the statement, time really does go by quickly and each 24 hour day comes to a close before we've gotten to everything and everyone on the to-do list. However, time hasn't changed over the years...1 hour is still 60 minutes, 1 day is still comprised of 24 hours. What has changed is how much we take on to fill our 24 hours with. We over-book, over-extend, over-commit. Life has taken on such a fast pace, technology has increased how quickly we can get things done and how we correspond with others, we have unwittingly adapted by taking on more than we realistically should. 

That said, although I could easily fill this post with all the reasons why the past two months since my last post have flown by, I will refrain. I will instead say this...life has been busy and full, and because I've been focused on living each day fully and getting things done, I have taken time off from my blog. Have I over-booked, over-extended, over-committed? Absolutely. This is my nature though, and while I am fully capable of knowing when I need to say 'no', I still far too often find myself saying 'yes'. It's difficult for me not to offer my assistance and skills, especially when it's something I excel at! PTA Treasurer? Sure, bookkeeping and accounting are what I do, why not offer that help to my child's school? Preschool Cropping Coordinator? Sure, I'm a scrapbooker, I can coordinate helping parents put together keepsake scrapbooks for the preschoolers. Play piano for the Youth Choir at Mass? Sure, I've been doing that off and on since I was 10, I can handle playing once a month...at two Masses...in my hometown parish, even though I live half an hour away now. 

The thing is, I enjoy being able to lend my knowledge and skills to others. Volunteering is quickly becoming a lost art, and there is a huge need for it in so many places...schools, churches, kids sports. I'm thankful that my husband is interested in sports and coaching, and I know that when that time comes (if you've seen my son throw a football or shoot a basketball, kick a soccer ball or hit the baseball, then you'll realize that it's inevitable that we will be partaking in kids sports!!), he will take on those volunteer roles and I will easily be able to say 'no' to that!! 

Along with the balancing and juggling act that is my daily life, it has been a very full two months of summer ending, school starting, settling in to new routines. First Grade began without a hitch, although six weeks later we are dealing with some major struggles with our anxious, stubborn girl, so we're working through some things and advocating for her in the classroom. Preschool has been a great experience thus far, with the only rough "don't leave me here" morning being the one where I was dropping him off instead of daddy!! Little guy is very excited about a field trip to the Pumpkin Patch this week, which Dad will accompany him on. With the warm days winding down and the chill of Fall coming, Doug is starting to line up his indoor projects that will keep him busy for the next few months. A kitchen overhaul and a master bathroom shower replacement, on a tight budget, are on the agenda, so he has his work cut out for him!

We continue to be thankful for each day spent together as a family, grateful for the blessings of nearby family and friends, and hopeful that we'll get through our struggles with the grace of God. When the weeks go by without a post on my blog, it's not so much because time is flying by as it is because I am taking time off. Time off from technology, time off from dwelling on issues and drama, time off from being online. Time off from the cyber-world to spend in the real-world!