When Is More Enough?

I have come to this page several times in the past month to write something, as there has been much on my mind. The words, however, have not been flowing very freely. I find myself in a very introspective mood lately, contemplating a lot of things, seeking some sort of peace with my thoughts. That's not to say I'm unhappy, unsettled, or confused; simply that there is so much thrown at me from outside sources (people, news, social media, etc), that I'm trying to separate what I need to let in from what I don't need to be drawn in to. This world we live in is one that can simply inundate us with stuff that is so decidedly unimportant, yet we easily get drawn into it because it's all around us. Drama and discontent are everywhere, and many people seem to thrive on being part of it. I've often felt this is due mostly in part to fear; fear of stopping, deciding what you want, working to achieve it, and being settled and content with your life. Fear is driven by a lack of confidence, not being confident of your dreams and goals, not being confident of those you choose to walk in life with, not being confident that you've made the right choices, not being confident with being content. I'm not sure where along the path of history it became unacceptable to be settled, to be content, to enjoy a simple life with your family and friends. When did it become necessary to always be having "fun", to drive oneself deeper and deeper into debt in order to have new cars, new technology, lots of things, fancy vacations? When did it become unacceptable to work hard at your job, providing for yourself or your family? Why are we being told that we need to be more, do more, make more, spend more? It's like nothing is ever enough, and the message this is sending to the next generation is a scary one. The message that they are not enough. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to achieve more, if your intention is to do so for personal growth, or to provide a better life for yourself or your family if you're drowning in student loans, credit card debt, or time debt. We must seek continual growth in life, to always be learning new things and living out our goals, dreams, and purpose. Adventure is great, meeting new people is important, trying new things, expanding ourselves beyond our comfort zone. These are not negatives by any means, but nor is it a negative to be happy with your life as it is, as you've chosen it to be. Sometimes we get so caught up in a societal need to have bigger dreams, bigger goals, bigger purpose that we lose sight of who we truly are, what God has created each of us, as an individual, for. He created us to love. As simple as that...love God, love others, love yourself.  

Here's the thing...God created you, in His perfect vision, before He even placed you in your mother's womb. Stop and ponder that for a moment. He knew you first; you are His creation; He created you with purpose and a plan. No one person was created with any more importance than another; we simply were each created for a unique purpose. Your purpose may be small and only have an impact on those directly around you, or it may be huge and have an impact worldwide. Regardless, it is important, it matters, it works with the purposes of others around you. God has written it on your heart, and He will help you succeed if you choose to follow His will. He will help you be who He destined you to be, who He formed you to be, if you will choose to seek Him, to listen to Him, and to not get too caught up in the need for more.

Following It Up

Thank you for your many kind words and support relating to my last post. I didn't post that to garner sympathy or to raise concern of my well-being, but to explain where I've been at the past few months, both physically and mentally. Many of you know that I struggle with a sluggish digestive system that causes me to feel bloated and uncomfortable on a regular basis. I am always aware of my guts, always feeling them, and they are never happy! I tried a new medication recently that was, I hoped, going to be the one finally that would bring me relief...but it didn't work out that way, and often times when that happens it puts me on a bit of a downward spiral with my depression. Such is the way of medical ailments, and I fully realize that what I struggle with is a drop in the bucket compared to what so many are dealing with. However, I also recognize that my struggle is very real, for me. 

My daughter asked me recently how old I was when I discovered that I couldn't drink milk. I answered her quickly, "I was 10", because I remember that year of my live very vividly! It took us several months to determine what was causing my bellyaches and bloating, and even once it was determined that lactose was the culprit, there were more months of learning about everything that contains lactose and how that affects me too. The thing is, not being able to drink milk is not that big a deal. Even having to avoid ice cream, cheese, all those yummy things made with milk and therefore containing lactose, is not that awful. What is awful is that, when I was 20, after suffering from months of bloating and constipation even while avoiding all those foods, it was discovered that I have a motility disorder of my intestines, as well as severe acid reflux disease (GERD), and mild gastroparesis. In more recent years, I also have tested positive regularly for small intestine bacterial overgrowth (SIBO). This means that even if I carefully avoid the lactose-laden foods that will not digest properly, I still feel yucky. All the time. All. The. Time. The other problem is the catch-22 of what to actually eat...carbs are best for the slow digestion, but carbs are the worst thing for the SIBO.

I could write pages on all the tests I've been through, the medications I've tried, the diet tricks, the naturopathic remedies, how aware I am that digestive health is related to many areas we can control (diet, exercise, etc), and so on and so forth. There will always be new things to try, and sometimes they will work. Maybe for a short time, maybe for the long-term. People will always want to share their thoughts with me, give me their tricks and tell me what they know about it. The thing is, as grateful as I am for the continued medical research into motility disorders of the guts, and for the advice, expertise, and general thoughts of others...nobody can really know how I feel and how severely that constant discomfort affects all other aspects of my life. Eating right, exercising, drinking lots of water, taking my medications, taking supplements - all of this aside, I will STILL be bloated, I will STILL be constipated, I will STILL feel generally unwell on a regular basis. 

However...I am used to feeling this way, I am used to doing what I need to despite feeling this way, and I am fortunate to have a 16 year relationship with my GI doctor who knows my complete history with this gastro stuff. I AM okay! I AM going to live each day as fully as I can! I AM going to continue to do all the things I need and want to...care for my family, work, participate in church and school activities, hang out with friends and family...despite how I feel. I am NOT going to let the discomforts of my health issues be an excuse for not doing things, for not living life fully. But there will be times that I am getting through my day by sheer grit, and there will be times that I am extra cranky or despondent, that I cannot get myself going in the morning or cannot participate fully in the tasks of the day. There are times that the cloud over me becomes a cloud inside of me. This is my reality. Writing my blog helps me to process my reality, to share my struggles, to voice things that I am not always able to talk about. 

New Year, New Update

On Monday, October 20th I posted what was intended to be the first of a trio of posts about Fall, my most favorite season. Jump ahead 11 weeks, and here we are on Monday, January 5th, and I am finally writing another blog post. In those 11 weeks, Fall turned to Winter, 2014 turned to 2015, and my favorite holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone. Our daughter turned 7 on Thanksgiving Day, both kids were wide awake on Christmas morning at 4:30am, full of excitement and anticipation of what Santa had left for them. Our preschooler had his Christmas program at school, and participated in the pageant at church. Our first grader looked forward to the 2 week school break, and went back to school this morning with mixed emotions...excited to see friends again, sad to not be home playing with Daddy all day, grumpy at having to wake up early after so many days of sleeping in. There was a company Christmas party that Doug and I had fun at, (even though it's work for me!), a visit with Santa, several Christmas gatherings bringing the opportunity to see lots of family and friends. Last week brought a nice 5-day weekend for me, with ample time to spend at home putting Christmas away, finding a place for the kids' new toys, falling asleep before midnight on New Year's Eve (and being annoyed at the fireworks waking me up at 12am!), relaxing and reading, catching up on housework and home finances. Pondering 2014, getting ready for 2015 and getting back to work, back to school, back to regular routines. Thinking about this blog posting that has been on my mind for several weeks now, my need to share where I'm at these days, and why I've been silent, distant.

The main reason I've been silent from my blog, and silent from much of life outside of work and family, is that my ongoing digestive discomforts and associated depression have really taken over. My energy levels are depleted, and I tend to use what I have at work to get my job done and the little that's left is given to my children. Often times, they get the worst of me at home...short-tempered, cranky, despondent. Way too many evenings find me on the couch from the time I get home from work until the time I gratefully go to bed, where I would just as soon spend my days right now. Many days I put up a good front to get through whatever needs my attention...but inside, I just look forward to 9pm when I can go to bed and not have to feel or think for 8 to 10 hours. I am content to simply read novels and drink hot tea all day. I WANT to feel better then this, I WANT to have energy and motivation to interact with my husband and my children, to do more with my day. I fully recognize that depression has me in it clutches, and my relationships are suffering as a result. If you are one of the friends I've neglected, I apologize. I apologize to my children regularly. I apologize to my husband regularly as well, try to seek his understanding. I apologize to myself constantly...I know I'm better than the depression, I know I'm capable of doing more and living more despite not feeling well. I intend to see my doctor soon and increase my anti-depressants, because regardless of how anybody views medication and depression, I KNOW the difference in myself and I KNOW that I can feel better and more alive with the right prescription.

I share this with you not to seek empathy or comfort, but simply to explain. There are several people who I have essentially shut out in past months, I imagine if you are one of them, reading this, you know who you are. I've not answered phones calls and texts, put off lunch dates, used the 'so busy' excuse way too many times. The thing is, even though I recognize that I'm depressed, I am somewhat helpless to do anything about it. I know that won't make sense to most, and that is perfectly okay. Much like the problems I have with my guts and the discomfort I feel 24/7, the cloud of depression is another thing I would prefer that you not understand. To truly comprehend, you would have to be suffering the same things, and I wish that on nobody.

I share this with you not to seek answers or options, but simply to explain. To explain that I am okay, at the heart of it, I am truly okay. I am strong, and I know what steps I can take to get my mental health back on track. I am not feeling hopeless. I have not given up. I have lived with this stuff for 16+ years, and the most important part of that statement is...I Have Lived. I haven't ever given up, haven't ever crawled under the covers and said "I'm Done", haven't lost hope that someday there will be something that gets my guts working properly again. I continue to live. To work, to take care of my family, to participate in the PTA and church, to be social. The times that I'm quiet, and I don't respond to messages or I put off social plans, or I appear to be forcing myself to smile (I most likely am!), or I'm present but I'm not really there...I apologize for those times. There will be more of those times, I'm certain of this, and while I don't ask you to understand, I do ask you to accept. Accept that I'm not actually shutting you out, that I do care, that I am living...just that there is a cloud over me, and I'm doing my best to be my best self despite it. 

I'm posting this blog today for two main reasons...the first one being, there are several friends and family members who I hope will read this post and "hear" where I'm at, where I've been the past few months, in my ongoing battle with my guts and the subsequent depression I suffer from; and two, I think that how I'm feeling, as though there is a cloud of depression over me, is not something that I am alone in, but I think a lot of people don't know how to talk about it, or how to explain it, or may not even realize they are suffering from it. I just want to put a voice to it, and to the very real struggle that I go through daily, knowing the cloud is over me and not wanting to let it drag me all the way under. It won't ever drag me under, because I keep my eyes above and I know, without any shadow of a doubt, that the Lord is walking beside me and providing me hope and peace. It doesn't have to make sense, why my body doesn't work properly and why I have to feel this way all the time, it just is. Just as it may not make sense that I would continue to find hope and trust in the Lord, but I do. 

Why I Love Fall - Reason #1

Gorgeous fall colors! I love the deep reds, variant shades of orange, the bright yellows, all mixed in with the green still left from summer. Trees in fall make me smile. Checking out the trees in fall with my little family makes me smile more.

Gracie in my parents' backyard, October 2009...






















Doug & Gracie at Oregon Heritage Farms, October 2010 & October 2011

We missed a fall foliage picture in 2012, but continued the tradition of the "Daddy & Gracie at the apple farm" picture at Oregon Heritage Farms in 2013...

This weekend we made our annual stop at the apple farm, and Gracie was decked out in her pumpkin hat...the same one she is wearing in her 2009 picture, it's a Gymboree size 18-24 months!! Here she is with Daddy at Oregon Heritage Farms, October 2014...

Time Off

To say that time flies by is so redundant, it's an excuse we over-use to explain away why we haven't done something or why we haven't been in touch with someone. There is truth in the statement, time really does go by quickly and each 24 hour day comes to a close before we've gotten to everything and everyone on the to-do list. However, time hasn't changed over the years...1 hour is still 60 minutes, 1 day is still comprised of 24 hours. What has changed is how much we take on to fill our 24 hours with. We over-book, over-extend, over-commit. Life has taken on such a fast pace, technology has increased how quickly we can get things done and how we correspond with others, we have unwittingly adapted by taking on more than we realistically should. 

That said, although I could easily fill this post with all the reasons why the past two months since my last post have flown by, I will refrain. I will instead say this...life has been busy and full, and because I've been focused on living each day fully and getting things done, I have taken time off from my blog. Have I over-booked, over-extended, over-committed? Absolutely. This is my nature though, and while I am fully capable of knowing when I need to say 'no', I still far too often find myself saying 'yes'. It's difficult for me not to offer my assistance and skills, especially when it's something I excel at! PTA Treasurer? Sure, bookkeeping and accounting are what I do, why not offer that help to my child's school? Preschool Cropping Coordinator? Sure, I'm a scrapbooker, I can coordinate helping parents put together keepsake scrapbooks for the preschoolers. Play piano for the Youth Choir at Mass? Sure, I've been doing that off and on since I was 10, I can handle playing once a month...at two Masses...in my hometown parish, even though I live half an hour away now. 

The thing is, I enjoy being able to lend my knowledge and skills to others. Volunteering is quickly becoming a lost art, and there is a huge need for it in so many places...schools, churches, kids sports. I'm thankful that my husband is interested in sports and coaching, and I know that when that time comes (if you've seen my son throw a football or shoot a basketball, kick a soccer ball or hit the baseball, then you'll realize that it's inevitable that we will be partaking in kids sports!!), he will take on those volunteer roles and I will easily be able to say 'no' to that!! 

Along with the balancing and juggling act that is my daily life, it has been a very full two months of summer ending, school starting, settling in to new routines. First Grade began without a hitch, although six weeks later we are dealing with some major struggles with our anxious, stubborn girl, so we're working through some things and advocating for her in the classroom. Preschool has been a great experience thus far, with the only rough "don't leave me here" morning being the one where I was dropping him off instead of daddy!! Little guy is very excited about a field trip to the Pumpkin Patch this week, which Dad will accompany him on. With the warm days winding down and the chill of Fall coming, Doug is starting to line up his indoor projects that will keep him busy for the next few months. A kitchen overhaul and a master bathroom shower replacement, on a tight budget, are on the agenda, so he has his work cut out for him!

We continue to be thankful for each day spent together as a family, grateful for the blessings of nearby family and friends, and hopeful that we'll get through our struggles with the grace of God. When the weeks go by without a post on my blog, it's not so much because time is flying by as it is because I am taking time off. Time off from technology, time off from dwelling on issues and drama, time off from being online. Time off from the cyber-world to spend in the real-world!

Depression. My Thoughts.

Depression. 

This is a word that has many stigmas attached to it; we fear talking openly about it; we wonder if it's real or a made up thing. Those living within its clutches fear acceptance if they share their struggles. Those who have never felt the darkness cannot understand it. It's one of those things in life that you simply cannot comprehend or understand unless you have it. It's hard for a happy-go-lucky person to wrap their heads around you feeling down and dark, even while you may be living a content and full life. How do you explain those feelings of emptiness and uneasiness that can grip your entire being, even while you are living a daily life of general content and happiness? Depression doesn't mean you're unhappy; depression means that even when you are happy, there is a cloud over it, a cover of darkness that you cannot fully brush away. Even when you are married to somebody you love and care about, even when you go to work at a job you enjoy, even when you have children who mean the world to you, even when you have family and friends who care about you and who you love and would never want to hurt; even when you have all these things going for you, and you have a solid relationship with the Lord, and you have faith and hope; even then...there is a cloud, there is darkness within you, there is a struggle to keep the smile on your face, a struggle to get up in the morning and face the day knowing that the cloud will be there, knowing that it will try to drag you deeper into its clutches, knowing that no matter how strong you try to be, you will not be strong enough to completely destroy the cloud. 

This cloud is real. Depression is real. Depression is life-altering, and it can consume a person so wholly, so completely, that regardless of every good thing going on in their life, regardless of the love they have, regardless of friends reaching out to them or family trying to help them, they feel there is no way they will ever overcome the cloud; no way they will ever overcome the depths of despair they feel. So they end it.

No more pain, no more darkness, no more cloud. Many consider this a selfish out; leaving behind family and friends to pick up the pieces of your life. We must be careful to judge so quickly, especially if you have never lived with that cloud of depression in your life, in your mind, in your body. It's very real, and it's very very difficult at times to see how you can continue day in and day out with that cloud affecting your every moment. I venture to say that many who end their life because of this feel they are actually doing the best thing for their family and friends; they likely consider it selfish to continue living with this despair that makes it so hard to get through the day. It can feel selfish to rely on those around you to deal with things while you lie in bed listless. It can feel selfish to watch your children playing, and begging for your attention, while you sit on the couch unable to get up and tend to them. It can feel selfish to sit at your desk while your co-workers bustle about getting work done while you sit staring at your computer screen unable to start on a project. It can feel selfish to be unable to overcome any of these things; to feel as though you cannot climb out of the darkness even though you want to. You want to smile, play, work, love, laugh...you don't want to feel the way you do. But you are powerless to stop it. Powerless to rid yourself of the cloud. Powerless to get past it, get over it, get above it. 

Medication to balance the chemicals in your brain and body can help; therapy and talking about the darkness and helplessness can help; support from loved ones can help. Often times the cloud will be lifted, perhaps briefly, perhaps for a long period of time. For many, medication helps lift the cloud enough that they can live life pretty fully. For some, however, the cloud never dissipates, regardless of medication, therapy, support. It hovers, dragging them down, and they seek peace. They seek relief. They seek release. Rather than judge them for this, let's work on educating others about this illness. Let's work together on supporting those we love and care about who live under the cloud of depression. Let's rid the stigma attached to the illness of depression, so they aren't afraid to talk about it, to seek help for it.

You may never understand the illness of depression, and that's okay. In fact it's pretty great, because it likely means you don't suffer from this illness on any level. As one who does suffer, daily, from the clutches of depression, I urge you to not seek understanding then, but to seek acceptance. Acceptance that this illness IS an illness, acceptance that the cloud of depression likely affects many in your life, acceptance of the times that it means they can't interact fully with you, acceptance that depression is a condition that needs to be talked about and supported. 

Praying that Robin Williams, the Newberg, Oregon mother who was found recently, the man I knew from high school who left his family recently, and all others who have felt that death was their only way out from the cloud of depression are all resting in peace, and that the loved ones they left behind are able to accept that they are now fully at peace, and that we can learn something from the losses and educate ourselves and others on this illness.  

Fun in the Summer Sun

Tomorrow we turn the calendar to the first day of August, and with that comes the downhill side of summer vacation. No complaints about that, all vacations must end at some point, and with 4 weeks of summer vacation left, we'll be sure to pack in plenty of fun times and happy family memories. The past 7 weeks of summer vacation have been full of wonderful time spent as a family, and with friends and extended family. Having a school-aged child brings a new element to summer vacation; those precious weeks between school years when the Oregon sunshine brings hot days and breezy nights, outdoor fun, weekend getaways, day trips, and time spent with friends and family. Staying up late, sleeping in, not sticking to a schedule. Well, for the kids anyway, working parents have to continue to get to the office and get work done, but the daylight lasts longer and the kids can stay up later, and we can enjoy some extra time with them. Alas, the unscheduled lazy days are quickly dwindling, and I've warned the kids (and husband!) that we will be starting up our school schedule again on August 11th, giving all of us plenty of time to get used to the earlier bedtime and alarm going off before school resumes in September. I'm getting lonely being the only one up early in the morning, and it's so hard to leave the house when everyone else is cozily sleeping so soundly!

Here are some highlights of our many summer adventures so far. We are taking full advantage of Doug not working this summer! 

We first celebrated 2 big graduations in the family...our own Gracie-girl graduated from Kindergarten on June 11th and on June 16th my baby sister Emily graduation from Portland State University with her Bachelor's Degree in Anthropology. I was honored to be one of her 6 guests at the grad ceremony held on Father's Day at the Moda Center in Portland. This momma is very proud of her baby girl for getting through her first year of school, and her baby sister for getting through her final year of college!

Camping at Fort Stevens with the Breazile's in June...so much fun to camp with another family, we loved watching the kids play and being able to share our favorite Warrenton sights! Enjoyed a truly gorgeous sunset at the beach where the Peter Iredale Shipwreck is; it was captured on film by Jason and I received a framed picture of it for my birthday, so beautiful!

A nice birthday dinner at BJ's Restaurant with my dear parents and the Breazile family. Not to mention, a fabulous gift from my dad and husband of clearing the front yard, followed the next week by Doug putting down beautiful river rock, completing a project we sort of started (talking about anyway!) right before I had Joel (so 4 years ago!!)

Camping at Mt. Hood Village in Welches over the Fourth of July weekend with the Breazile's and their friends. More great time for the kids to play, setting off fireworks, a trip to Timberline to play in the snow while the sun beat down on us. Such a nice trip for Doug's first July 4th holiday to NOT be working!!

On Joel's 4th birthday we headed to my parents' house in Scappoose to enjoy their air conditioning and the company of my brother's kids, in town from Corvallis for the afternoon. We had my other brother and his family over for a spaghetti dinner, gift opening and birthday cake. Earlier in the day Joel was given his 'big' gift from us...a new Hot Wheels bike with revving action, in his favorite color of orange! 

A little break in the summer heat brought us some much needed rain, but with the temps staying warm and muggy, it was perfect weather for the kids to play outside, jumping in muddy puddles & singing in the rain! That day also found Doug putting together Joel's Jeep Mega Blocks set that was a birthday gift from his Great-Papa Ed...the set came with 770 pieces and it took Doug 6+ hours to put it all together!!

Our county fair came to town last weekend, and we enjoyed two fun-filled evenings there. The fair itself is free admission, which is so nice! We aren't fans of rides, so with just having to pay $5 for parking, this makes an affordable evening of family fun. (Of course, there is kettle corn and cotton candy to buy!) Thursday we took in the booths, had some hot dogs, and spent a couple hours watching the Breazile's teen daughter show her sheep in the FFA ring. Friday evening, Doug and Joel watched a Motor Mania show in the arena, which had monster trucks, motorcycles, demolition derby and more. Gracie and I wandered the fairgrounds during that time, she got her face painted as a panda bear, we enjoyed some hawaiian shave ice, and got our exercise in walking the grounds several times!

After graduating college, Emily started a part-time summer job as a Ranger at Fort Vancouver Park in Vancouver, Washington. On Saturday we took a day trip to check out the Fort, a place neither Doug nor I have been to since we were kids. We started at the Pearson Air Museum, then headed down the road to Fort Vancouver. Emily gave us some great background info and tours of a couple buildings, we checked out the rest on our own, then she swore the kids in as Junior Rangers. We had a nice picnic dinner at the park right across the street when she got off work, then we watched the beginning of a vintage baseball game the Fort put on. The sun was hot and the kids got bored quickly, so we moved down the park to a very fun playground that was in the shade and Doug and I got caught up on Emily's summer and her hopes for what she'll do after summer. She's really enjoying the job and is hoping to get a full-time position with the Fort, as they do have year-round employment opportunities. Oh and...her boyfriend of 2 years proposed to her at their county fair on July 16th, at the top of the ferris wheel and with our mom's engagement ring! Very "them"!! So happy for her, and Nick!

We are looking forward to the annual church camp-out in Vernonia next weekend, which we have missed the last couple of years. Following that, we will begin settling in to our school-year routines to get the kids ready so the waking up early isn't too much of a shock after Labor Day!

It's been a truly enjoyable summer, and we feel so blessed to have the time to spend with our kids, our friends, and our family. In the year since Doug left his job, he has been able to make up for so much lost time with the kids, and we truly love just being together as a family unit in the evenings when I get home from work. Playing outside, having home-cooked dinners at the table, watching movies, playing games and WII, trips to the library and reading together, camping out in the living room where the A/C unit is on nights that don't cool down in the bedrooms. Just enjoying each day to its fullest, no regrets, loving and laughing. We are blessed. God is good!