When Words Are Already Spoken

Sometimes, I find that a song encompasses the very things that are on my heart. Quite often, actually, I can turn to a particular song to express how I'm feeling. The last couple of weeks have been good ones; I've been very focused on my children and my husband; on setting up and sticking to routines; on staying off the computer when I'm home so I can be more available to my children and to the routines we're enforcing for bedtime. We've spent many an evening hanging out together, as a family, enjoying each oher. These times are truly priceless, and we didn't get to have enough of them in previous years. I have wonderful childhood memories of family evenings spent playing games, reading together, watching Cosby Show. I have similar happy memories of Saturday mornings spent as a family, staying in PJ's until noon, watching Ramona, eating pancakes for breakfast. I don't take for granted that my fondest memories of growing up seem to be focused on family time together. My parents did an exceptional job of instilling in my siblings and me the importance of quality time. Family dinners every night; help with homework every evening; vacations to the beach with hours spent playing cards. Time. Together. Something I feel I failed to provide my children in my first few years of parenting. Too often the shuffling work schedules, the extracurricular demands I put on myself (it's so much easier to say "yes, I'll help with that" than to say "no", why is that?!), the exhaustion that made it difficult to do all the things that needed to be done around the house, all got to me. It was too much, and it made it way too easy to find excuses for not spending the time doing what I knew was important. But I don't let my failures hold me back from doing better about things NOW. I don't let the mistakes I made be an excuse for not improving the NOW. We made a very conscious choice in July to be better parents; to give our children what they need the most...US. Time with us. Routines, discipline, and also fun. It's not easy; Doug has had to learn how to keep the house, to plan and cook dinners, to manage the moods of a 3 and 6 year old. I have had to adjust to working full-time outside of the home for the first time in a decade. Together we've had to figure out how to make all this work outside of societal "norms", because no matter how far we've come over the years, it's still not "normal" or "routine" for the wife to be the breadwinner and the husband to be the homemaker. Fortunately, we don't care one iota about being "normal" in the eyes of society, and we are more than happy to do our part to break down stereotypes and follow our own path!

 

As content as I am with the decision we made for our family, and as much as I do see it working for us, I still struggle. I struggle with the weight of the financial responsibility. I struggle with the evenings that I have to work late and I miss out on time with my kids. I struggle with finding the time to do things for myself, because I don't like to take my limited time away from my kids and husband. I struggle with taking care of myself, because I'm busy taking care of others and I don't want to misstep and have it all fall down around me. I struggle, but I know that it's under control. God has it under control, He's guiding me, He'll help me keep it together if I do fall, He continues to put the right people in my path to help me, His love is unconditional and His grace is unfailing.

 

It isn't easy, it's not supposed to be. There are struggles, failures, missteps. But faith makes it possible; faith gets me through every step, every day. That's what faith can do, if you let it, if you trust it, if you trust Him. And if you trust yourself; trust your heart, trust your instinct. And when I forget to trust, or I forget how I know it's going to be okay, then I turn to music. I turn to the songs that can fill me back up, the words that can remind me that others have felt the same way as me, and have been gifted by God with the amazing talent of putting words and music together to uplift our soul.

 

That's what Faith can do. Believe it!