Depression.
This is a word that has many stigmas attached to it; we fear talking openly about it; we wonder if it's real or a made up thing. Those living within its clutches fear acceptance if they share their struggles. Those who have never felt the darkness cannot understand it. It's one of those things in life that you simply cannot comprehend or understand unless you have it. It's hard for a happy-go-lucky person to wrap their heads around you feeling down and dark, even while you may be living a content and full life. How do you explain those feelings of emptiness and uneasiness that can grip your entire being, even while you are living a daily life of general content and happiness? Depression doesn't mean you're unhappy; depression means that even when you are happy, there is a cloud over it, a cover of darkness that you cannot fully brush away. Even when you are married to somebody you love and care about, even when you go to work at a job you enjoy, even when you have children who mean the world to you, even when you have family and friends who care about you and who you love and would never want to hurt; even when you have all these things going for you, and you have a solid relationship with the Lord, and you have faith and hope; even then...there is a cloud, there is darkness within you, there is a struggle to keep the smile on your face, a struggle to get up in the morning and face the day knowing that the cloud will be there, knowing that it will try to drag you deeper into its clutches, knowing that no matter how strong you try to be, you will not be strong enough to completely destroy the cloud.
This cloud is real. Depression is real. Depression is life-altering, and it can consume a person so wholly, so completely, that regardless of every good thing going on in their life, regardless of the love they have, regardless of friends reaching out to them or family trying to help them, they feel there is no way they will ever overcome the cloud; no way they will ever overcome the depths of despair they feel. So they end it.
No more pain, no more darkness, no more cloud. Many consider this a selfish out; leaving behind family and friends to pick up the pieces of your life. We must be careful to judge so quickly, especially if you have never lived with that cloud of depression in your life, in your mind, in your body. It's very real, and it's very very difficult at times to see how you can continue day in and day out with that cloud affecting your every moment. I venture to say that many who end their life because of this feel they are actually doing the best thing for their family and friends; they likely consider it selfish to continue living with this despair that makes it so hard to get through the day. It can feel selfish to rely on those around you to deal with things while you lie in bed listless. It can feel selfish to watch your children playing, and begging for your attention, while you sit on the couch unable to get up and tend to them. It can feel selfish to sit at your desk while your co-workers bustle about getting work done while you sit staring at your computer screen unable to start on a project. It can feel selfish to be unable to overcome any of these things; to feel as though you cannot climb out of the darkness even though you want to. You want to smile, play, work, love, laugh...you don't want to feel the way you do. But you are powerless to stop it. Powerless to rid yourself of the cloud. Powerless to get past it, get over it, get above it.
Medication to balance the chemicals in your brain and body can help; therapy and talking about the darkness and helplessness can help; support from loved ones can help. Often times the cloud will be lifted, perhaps briefly, perhaps for a long period of time. For many, medication helps lift the cloud enough that they can live life pretty fully. For some, however, the cloud never dissipates, regardless of medication, therapy, support. It hovers, dragging them down, and they seek peace. They seek relief. They seek release. Rather than judge them for this, let's work on educating others about this illness. Let's work together on supporting those we love and care about who live under the cloud of depression. Let's rid the stigma attached to the illness of depression, so they aren't afraid to talk about it, to seek help for it.
You may never understand the illness of depression, and that's okay. In fact it's pretty great, because it likely means you don't suffer from this illness on any level. As one who does suffer, daily, from the clutches of depression, I urge you to not seek understanding then, but to seek acceptance. Acceptance that this illness IS an illness, acceptance that the cloud of depression likely affects many in your life, acceptance of the times that it means they can't interact fully with you, acceptance that depression is a condition that needs to be talked about and supported.
Praying that Robin Williams, the Newberg, Oregon mother who was found recently, the man I knew from high school who left his family recently, and all others who have felt that death was their only way out from the cloud of depression are all resting in peace, and that the loved ones they left behind are able to accept that they are now fully at peace, and that we can learn something from the losses and educate ourselves and others on this illness.
