Sometimes I think I need to carry around a "mommy card" with me, something to hand out to whomever I am confronted with that needs to know that my daughter isn't like most kids her age. She suffers from debilitating anxiety, and she may not have the same reaction to, say, the dentist, as another child would. She may freeze with the inexplicable fear that the process is going to hurt; she may not be able to shake the idea from her head that the hygienist is mean and dislikes her; she may be gathering all her courage and bravery and fighting the worry bully with everything she has, but still may not be able to cooperate. And as her mother, I will advocate for her. I will not be forced from the room, or allow my child to be made to feel that she is simply being uncooperative or she lacks discipline. I will speak up for her when she is literally unable to speak up for herself. I will support her fears, though they are unfounded and do not make any sense. They are very real to her, and I recognize this, and I will stand up for her. I will not be bullied by the judgement of others who have no idea what is going on inside my daughter's body.
So, with that said, Gracie had a dentist appointment this morning. This was her third time at this particular clinic, with the previous two times not being very successful. We consulted with the dentist the last time and decided to try one more "regular" appointment and see how she does. I made the appointment just yesterday, so she didn't have a long time to worry and fret over it. It was first thing in the morning so there weren't a lot of other patients to overwhelm her. I talked calmly with her about it on the drive there. She was ready; she had her comfort items to hold onto, she was practicing her breathing, and she was determined to get through this will full cooperation.
Then she was called back to the exam room. I went with her, knowing she simply is not able to cope with something like this on her own. Maybe "most" 8 year olds don't "need" their parent to accompany them to the dentist chair, but my child needs me, case closed, judgement from others not necessary. She was fine walking back, but as soon as the chair was in view, she froze. I felt it, her entire body literally stopped, her breathing got fast, and she struggled between a panic attack and wanting to cooperate. It broke my heart.
She managed to get into the chair, but no amount of pleading, begging, deep breathing, other coping techniques, threatening, etc could get her to open her mouth. The hygienist was patient, she stayed calm, she asked me the questions I'm used to by now..."is she on medication?", "what does her doctor say?", "does she go to therapy?", "maybe it would be better if you weren't here?". I basically let her know that my daughter has extreme anxiety, she has learned several coping mechanisms and has come a long way in the last two years, but certain situations cause a high anxiety reaction, and obviously the dentist is one of them.
The dentist came to see Gracie and suggested a panoramic X-ray so he could see what's going on in her mouth and determine a plan of action. She cooperated beautifully for the X-ray, they were able to see the cavities, the plaque build-up, the baby teeth that need to come out. We decided a sedated appointment to take care of everything at one time, while she sleeps, would be best for her. We scheduled that and went on our way.
I cried more in that hour at the dentist office than I have in the entire last few months. My heart broke for my child. I was so sad for her, that she was so overcome with fear and anxiety and unable to do what she most wanted to do...cooperate. In the car, she kept saying "I'm so sorry mommy. I tried my best mommy. I don't know why I couldn't cooperate mommy. Are you mad mommy?" I assured her she most definitely DID try her hardest to overcome the fear, and she was not in any trouble, and no I'm not mad, I'm crying because I'm sad for her, and I want to be able to take those icky feelings away for her, but I can't, and that stinks.
It stinks. It's rough. Others don't understand. I feel judged, and in that judgement it's obvious that I have failed. There's a litany of things I haven't done right over the past 8 years that have led to my daughter's behavior being this way. I should have...if only I had...why didn't I...why. Why indeed. As quick as I feel that judgement, I reject it.
I may not have done everything exactly right over the past 8 years, but my daughter's anxious behavior and unfounded fears are not my fault. They are not her fault either. This is simply part of her makeup; a struggle to be sure, but one she will continue to manage with bravery and courage. I will not be made to feel like a parental failure because my child is unable to cooperate with a dental cleaning. I will most certainly not allow my child to feel like a failure because of this either. She did not fail today. She dug deep down to find her courage, she let an X-ray be taken that was able to provide the dentist the big picture of her mouth, and we came up with a plan to get her taken care of. She tried her best to fight the fear and to beat up the worry bully. She didn't just lay down and let him walk all over her. She didn't just give in to the panic attack and let it take her body over. She fought. In doing so, she's a winner in my book.
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