Oh
but the joy you receive as the tradeoff cannot be described adequately!
You won’t think of the joy when you’re in the
midst of a full-on tantrum of epic proportions. You won’t think of the joy when
you’re covered in your child’s vomit, or poop, or pee. You won’t think of the
joy when you are unable to go to the bathroom by yourself, let alone have ten
minutes uninterrupted to take a shower. And these things will all happen,
multiple times.
But when your child settles in next to you on
the couch, fresh from an evening bath, in cozy pajamas, and snuggles up to you,
you will be overwhelmed with joy. You will be in awe at this person that you
created, and are nurturing and raising to be their own person. The joy will
come as each new day unfolds and you watch your child learn about their world,
discover who they are, try new things, develop an independent personality.
What happens though, when the joy is clouded
by doubt, when you aren’t sure that your child is “normal”, when you sense
there is something just a bit off with them? We hear so much about the difficulties
of parenting, the work. We hear so much about the joy of parenting, the awe of
watching that little life develop. We do hear about some of the bigger
challenges some children and parents are faced with, birth defects, autism, asthma,
vision issues; things that are readily diagnosable and often times noticeable
from a young age. What about the things that are not easily diagnosed, are not
easily recognized as abnormal, are not talked about because parents think they’re
the only ones dealing with it? What of the child with extreme anxiety, who does
not and simply cannot interact “normally” with others? This child will be
labeled as “shy”, “quiet”, her parents will be looked upon as coddling her,
holding her back because they won’t force her to be more sociable, to leave her
comfort zone.
This child is my child. And this parent was
in denial for five years that there was anything more than a shy, timid,
stubborn personality going on. This parent did try to force her child to be
more sociable; she tried to force her to talk to people, to attend social
functions and not cling to me the entire time; to be “normal”. I tried, I
pushed, I pleaded, I made deals, offered bribes, anything that came to mind in
the moment when we were dealing with a situation where she was frozen, unable
to speak or move, unable to interact with her relatives, her doctor, her peers
in Sunday School. Nothing worked; she would continue to be a statue, looking at
the floor, not speaking. Often times crying, sometimes clinging to me as though
her life depended on me. Which, truthfully, in her state of mind, it did. It
does. She needs to be able to depend on me, because she is unable to allow
herself to depend on someone or something she does not know.
My child has extreme anxiety; she is not able
to express this or tell us that she feels anxious, but her behavior and her
inability to control the freezing has taught us that this is what she’s dealing
with. It comes across to others as shyness, as stubbornness, as if she is
playing a game and choosing not to speak to them. At times, she is doing
exactly that, but more often than not, she is literally frozen in her mind and
is not able to speak or move, to force herself to cooperate. Anxiety has taken
over, and until she is either removed from the situation or wrapped in the
comforting arms of dad or mom, she cannot relax, she cannot function.
I spent five years not recognizing the extremity
of her condition; just being frustrated that she wasn’t cooperative, that she
wasn’t doing what I wanted, that she wasn’t acting like the kid I wanted her to
be (carefree, relaxed, friendly). How I wish that I had realized sooner that
there was more going on than just a timid nature compounded by extreme
stubbornness. It’s moot at this point, for the only way to live life is in the
present and moving forward, so it is in the moving forward that I am taking
steps to learn about how she copes, how her mind works, how anxiety gets the
best of her and causes her to freeze up. I know she wants to be carefree, to be
able to talk and play with her classmates, to cooperate with the dentist, to
let go and have fun at a social event. She wants to not worry, to not be
scared, to not feel panic at the thought of new things. Her reality, however,
is that there is a psychological challenge she is unable to overcome simply
because she “wants to”. Anxiety, for her, is a block to being and feeling “normal”.
She’s intelligent, bright, charismatic, funny, talented, imaginative; she is a
healthy and happy kid. But she is hindered by this fear she can’t really
explain, frozen by anxieties she can’t put into words, held back at times by
her body’s inability to cooperate with her mind’s desire.
I realize now how scary that must be for a
child; how frustrating and sad, to want to do or say something but for your
body to not cooperate. And then for those around you, not to mention your own
mother, to try and push you, to force you to cooperate, when as much as you
want to, you simply cannot. Wow.
I hope someday, several years from now, when
we’ve been able to help her overcome the crushing anxiety, that my daughter
will read this post I’ve written, and know that from the bottom of my heart, I’m
sorry that I didn’t realize earlier in her life that she was frozen with fear,
and that I’m sorry that we didn’t start working on helping her be brave sooner.
For she is just that – brave. So brave! She doesn’t even know how big her brave
can be, once we break down the fears and anxieties that have paralyzed her. We’re
learning tools and techniques to help her overcome the anxiety, we’re coaching
her properly now when issues arise rather than just trying to force her to do
what we want. She’s grown so much since starting Kindergarten, she has been so
brave and conquered one obstacle after another. Granted, her obstacles are
often put in place by her anxiety, so what is a huge progress for her may seem
like an everyday nothing to most. This can be difficult to accept as a parent,
when you of course want your child to be “normal”.
Yes, parenting is hard work. Yes, parenting
brings about joyful rewards. Yes, every parent wants their child to be “normal”.
But truly, what is “normal”? Just be yourself! Embrace your uniqueness! I’ve
always believed in this, have never been one to conform to societal norms, but
my daughter has taught me in the past six months the incredible importance of
allowing a child to just be who they are naturally, to not place labels on
them. My daughter has taught me, and is learning, how to be brave in the face
of adversity, and how to be your own biggest advocate.
Parenting is hard. Parenting a child with anxiety
is extra hard. Learning to be patient and understanding is triple hard. But it’s
all worth it for the joy that comes along with the difficulties.
And if you interact with my dear Gracie-girl,
and she won’t talk to you or look at you; if she seems frozen and unable to
play with your child or participate in your activity, you will hopefully now
have a bit of understanding as to why. It’s not you, she experiences anxiety
with family, friends, and strangers alike. It’s not the situation, she
experiences anxiety in new places and familiar places alike. It’s nothing she
is doing intentionally to hurt your feelings, or to anger her mother (!!!), or
to let anybody down. She is just frozen with anxiety, her body is refusing to
cooperate with her mind, and she is doing what she can to overcome it. You may
see her flick the “worry bully” off her shoulder, stomp on him and say “leave
me alone”. You may see her count to 10 and take deep breaths, as she relaxes
herself. You may see her cower back, but then all of a sudden take a bold step
forward and say “thank you”. I hope you will be encouraging when you witness
any of these behaviors, as they are all signs that she is working hard to be
brave. I hope you will recognize that it’s not easy for her, it’s not natural,
she is struggling, but she is determined. I hope you will get the chance to see
how big her brave is, and to appreciate the difference in her and the growth
she makes.
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