On Monday, October 20th I posted what was intended to be the first of a trio of posts about Fall, my most favorite season. Jump ahead 11 weeks, and here we are on Monday, January 5th, and I am finally writing another blog post. In those 11 weeks, Fall turned to Winter, 2014 turned to 2015, and my favorite holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone. Our daughter turned 7 on Thanksgiving Day, both kids were wide awake on Christmas morning at 4:30am, full of excitement and anticipation of what Santa had left for them. Our preschooler had his Christmas program at school, and participated in the pageant at church. Our first grader looked forward to the 2 week school break, and went back to school this morning with mixed emotions...excited to see friends again, sad to not be home playing with Daddy all day, grumpy at having to wake up early after so many days of sleeping in. There was a company Christmas party that Doug and I had fun at, (even though it's work for me!), a visit with Santa, several Christmas gatherings bringing the opportunity to see lots of family and friends. Last week brought a nice 5-day weekend for me, with ample time to spend at home putting Christmas away, finding a place for the kids' new toys, falling asleep before midnight on New Year's Eve (and being annoyed at the fireworks waking me up at 12am!), relaxing and reading, catching up on housework and home finances. Pondering 2014, getting ready for 2015 and getting back to work, back to school, back to regular routines. Thinking about this blog posting that has been on my mind for several weeks now, my need to share where I'm at these days, and why I've been silent, distant.
The main reason I've been silent from my blog, and silent from much of life outside of work and family, is that my ongoing digestive discomforts and associated depression have really taken over. My energy levels are depleted, and I tend to use what I have at work to get my job done and the little that's left is given to my children. Often times, they get the worst of me at home...short-tempered, cranky, despondent. Way too many evenings find me on the couch from the time I get home from work until the time I gratefully go to bed, where I would just as soon spend my days right now. Many days I put up a good front to get through whatever needs my attention...but inside, I just look forward to 9pm when I can go to bed and not have to feel or think for 8 to 10 hours. I am content to simply read novels and drink hot tea all day. I WANT to feel better then this, I WANT to have energy and motivation to interact with my husband and my children, to do more with my day. I fully recognize that depression has me in it clutches, and my relationships are suffering as a result. If you are one of the friends I've neglected, I apologize. I apologize to my children regularly. I apologize to my husband regularly as well, try to seek his understanding. I apologize to myself constantly...I know I'm better than the depression, I know I'm capable of doing more and living more despite not feeling well. I intend to see my doctor soon and increase my anti-depressants, because regardless of how anybody views medication and depression, I KNOW the difference in myself and I KNOW that I can feel better and more alive with the right prescription.
I share this with you not to seek empathy or comfort, but simply to explain. There are several people who I have essentially shut out in past months, I imagine if you are one of them, reading this, you know who you are. I've not answered phones calls and texts, put off lunch dates, used the 'so busy' excuse way too many times. The thing is, even though I recognize that I'm depressed, I am somewhat helpless to do anything about it. I know that won't make sense to most, and that is perfectly okay. Much like the problems I have with my guts and the discomfort I feel 24/7, the cloud of depression is another thing I would prefer that you not understand. To truly comprehend, you would have to be suffering the same things, and I wish that on nobody.
I share this with you not to seek answers or options, but simply to explain. To explain that I am okay, at the heart of it, I am truly okay. I am strong, and I know what steps I can take to get my mental health back on track. I am not feeling hopeless. I have not given up. I have lived with this stuff for 16+ years, and the most important part of that statement is...I Have Lived. I haven't ever given up, haven't ever crawled under the covers and said "I'm Done", haven't lost hope that someday there will be something that gets my guts working properly again. I continue to live. To work, to take care of my family, to participate in the PTA and church, to be social. The times that I'm quiet, and I don't respond to messages or I put off social plans, or I appear to be forcing myself to smile (I most likely am!), or I'm present but I'm not really there...I apologize for those times. There will be more of those times, I'm certain of this, and while I don't ask you to understand, I do ask you to accept. Accept that I'm not actually shutting you out, that I do care, that I am living...just that there is a cloud over me, and I'm doing my best to be my best self despite it.
I'm posting this blog today for two main reasons...the first one being, there are several friends and family members who I hope will read this post and "hear" where I'm at, where I've been the past few months, in my ongoing battle with my guts and the subsequent depression I suffer from; and two, I think that how I'm feeling, as though there is a cloud of depression over me, is not something that I am alone in, but I think a lot of people don't know how to talk about it, or how to explain it, or may not even realize they are suffering from it. I just want to put a voice to it, and to the very real struggle that I go through daily, knowing the cloud is over me and not wanting to let it drag me all the way under. It won't ever drag me under, because I keep my eyes above and I know, without any shadow of a doubt, that the Lord is walking beside me and providing me hope and peace. It doesn't have to make sense, why my body doesn't work properly and why I have to feel this way all the time, it just is. Just as it may not make sense that I would continue to find hope and trust in the Lord, but I do.
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