Don't Understand My Daughter?

Halfway through Gracie's Kindergarten year, I wrote about her extreme anxiety. At that point in time, I was just starting to accept that she was dealing with this issue; it was becoming increasingly obvious as she went through her first year of school that there was more going on with her than just shyness, timidness, and stubbornness.  I was watching her carefully, talking with her at home about what I was watching, trying to figure out what game she was playing. Being clingy to mom in unfamiliar situations is one thing; being uncomfortable talking to people she doesn't know is one thing; being sad when she has to be away from home is one thing; but being so desperately clingy to mom, even in familiar situations; being unable to talk to people that she does know; being sad even at home...well, that all points to something way more! After much observation, conversation, and research, it started to add up to something identifiable...anxiety. Extreme anxiety, which at 6 years old, she was completely unable to express or understand. She just knew that she was worried; all the time, about little things, big things, often times about nothing.  She just knew that she felt frozen, literally unable to move or speak, when faced with situations that put her on the spot. She just knew that she felt put on the spot any time anybody talked to her. She just knew that she was causing mom and dad to be frustrated a lot, pushing them to the edge when she couldn't cooperate with simple requests or answer the "why" about her behavior. She just knew that she was overcome with worry, that her mind would not stop thinking about the unknowns, the what-ifs, the maybe-this-or-maybe-that. 

As it started to become clear to me that she was suffering from anxiety, I read as much as I could find about childhood anxiety.  I read case after case that were just like her; I talked with others who had dealt with similar types of behaviors in their children (including my own mother, as both of my sisters deal with anxiety). I talked with her teacher, asked questions at her doctor appointment. I talked with my husband at length, because it was becoming more clear to me that he, too, suffers from some anxiety, and that as a child, he dealt with many of the same feelings that Gracie was dealing with. I watched Gracie's behavior even more carefully, and tried techniques I was reading about to help calm her, to help ease the anxiety. I helped her use tools we were learning when she was faced with situations that were uncomfortable, uncertain, and just plain difficult for her. I tried to explain to others why she was behaving as she was. I tried to understand for myself why she was behaving as she was! I wrote, in hopes of helping to explain to family and friends, to those who had asked us "why" so many times before, in hopes of forcing myself to understand. http://www.sufficientgrace7.blogspot.com/2014/03/parenting-anxious-child.html

And life went on, as it has a way of doing. Kindergarten finished, first grade began. Another new situation; new teacher, all-day schedule, busy classroom full of active classmates. We continued to work with Gracie, to push her when she needed pushing, to advocate for her when she needed advocating, to talk to her about what she was feeling, what was going on inside her head, inside her body. We struggled, her dad and I. We struggled alongside her, because as parents you want nothing more than to see your child happy, adjusted, and "normal". We struggled because she pushed us to the brink so often, to that point of frustration where you find yourself yelling, even though you know it's futile. I struggled because I just couldn't understand. I couldn't make sense of it, of why she wouldn't/couldn't just do what I wanted her to do. 

And then, I stopped.

I gave up trying to understand.

I gave up trying to make sense of that which I wouldn't/couldn't understand.

Instead, I accepted.

I accepted that, even though I didn't like it and I didn't want it for my child, this was how it was going to be for Gracie. Anxiety was going to cause her to feel more than a child should feel; to worry more than a child should worry; to stress more than a child should stress. Anxiety was going to make certain situations very difficult for her to handle; it was going to make some situations impossible for her to handle.  Anxiety was her reality. Anxiety IS her reality. With her second grade year now underway, and her 8th birthday on the horizon, she is making progress in understanding for herself how anxiety affects her, and how she can overcome it. She continues to "do courage" and her motto remains "be brave". She is learning to speak up for herself, to advocate for herself, to express herself better. She is learning to face scary, unknown situations without clinging to mom. She is trying harder to talk when spoken to, to not let the freezing take over as often. 

There are those who tell me that I've unnecessarily put a label on my child. There are those who tell me that I'm holding Gracie back by giving her this "crutch" to use when she doesn't want to do something.  There are those who tell my I'm babying her, I'm not forcing her to deal with things herself, I this-that-and-the-other. Truth be told, nothing that anybody has said to me is something I haven't already said to myself.  Truth be told, I hesitated a lot before using the word 'anxiety' in front of Gracie.  Truth be told, I wish I could force her to do anything! Truth be told...anxiety is her reality, and she deserves to know that there is a name for all those feelings she feels too much; for all that worrying she does; for all those scary times that she feels frozen. She deserves to know that anxiety takes hold of her in those moments, that there isn't anything 'bad' or 'wrong' about her. 

In the knowing, Gracie has found some freedom. She can place a name to those feelings, those worries, those stresses, and in doing so she knows what she is trying to overcome. 

In the accepting, I have found some freedom. Letting others know that Gracie suffers from extreme anxiety is not labeling my child; it is putting a name to behavior that is misunderstood as rudeness or stubbornness. Yes, there are times that Gracie is just being rude or playing a game of stubbornness to see what she can get away with. But more often, Gracie is faced with a chemical reaction in her body that causes her to freeze and takes away her ability to speak; this is very real for her. You don't have to understand, but I do hope you will accept. I hope you will give her a chance to work through it; give her time to be able to get the words out. I hope you will accept that her behavior has nothing to do with you; it's not about liking/disliking or trusting/distrusting you. I hope you will stop trying to understand her, and simply start accepting her. 

I don't understand my daughter's anxiety, but I accept that anxiety is her reality.

Don't Understand Me

This blog has been rolling around in my mind for a few weeks now, and after the big "back to school" week we've had, I feel it's the right time to get it written down. It may very well be a two or three part blog, I have a lot to say about this!!

There are a lot of areas in my life, related to my health issues, my parenting style, my children's behaviors, etc, that I find myself continually trying to explain in a way that will help another person understand. It's our instinct to want those around us to understand what we are feeling, why we are making our choices, what is driving us. It too is our instinct to want to understand those same things of others. But I have found, over years of explaining, hoping for understanding, and trying to understand, that the reality is...if you're not in my shoes, feeling what I feel, making the choices I am making, being driven by what is driving me, then you really cannot and will not, ever, truly understand me. To be certain, at some point along the way you will tell me, "I understand how hard that is" or "I understand why you did that" or even "I understand what it's like to be you", and I will say those same things to you. And there will be times that we do actually understand each other, find ourselves coming from the same place, thinking and feeling the same way. There will be times of understanding each other, but more often than not, we say those words without truly meaning them. Because I guarantee that I rarely understand the ways of others, often find myself judging actions and behaviors because they make no sense to me. And because you really don't know how hard it is for me, you really don't understand what it's like to be in my head and body. 

And I am so thankful for that. I embrace your inability to understand me! I encourage you to not understand me! I don't want you to feel what I'm feeling! I don't want your understanding. I don't need your understanding. And I don't need to understand things that make no sense to me. I don't have time to understand those things! You don't have time to understand my things!

Instead, I seek your acceptance. Accept that the way I feel, the choices I make, the things that drive me, are my reality. Accept me for who I am, how I am, and how we are different. In turn, know that I accept you, even when I don't understand you. I accept that we are different, I accept that it makes sense to you even when it seems completely bizarre to me. I accept that what you tell me is your reality.

Don't understand.

Accept.

It seems simple enough when broken down like that...you will not always have the ability to truly and fully understand me but you do have the ability to simply accept me. You cannot possibly understand what it feels like to have a slugged up digestive system that I can, literally, feel working 24/7, 365 days a year, unless you, too, have that same slugged up system. You cannot possibly understand what it feels like for me to live under a cloud of depression, how even when I'm happy and doing the things I enjoy, there's a dark tint to it, a lack of energy that can make it appear that I'm not enjoying life, unless you, too, live under that cloud. 

Truth is, I don't want you to understand, because I don't want you to have the slugged up system or live under that cloud. I do, however, want you to accept that I have that slugged up system and I live under that cloud, and therefore I do not have the same energy for life that you do, I do not make the choices that you might make. I don't need your understanding, but I also don't need your criticism, and often don't need your advice...I just need your acceptance. 

In return, I offer you my acceptance. I have given up trying to understand how those around me, family, friends, and strangers alike, feel or why they act as they do, or make the choices they do, or are driven by what drives them. I won't understand them, because I am not them. I am not walking in their shoes or living in their bodies, so I release myself from the burden of trying to understand. Instead, I accept. I accept you, even when I don't agree with you, even when I think you should act differently or make different choices. I accept that you are living life as you need to, and are happy because you tell me you are, and I accept that we are different. 

It's freeing, this acceptance of others. This letting others just be who they are, regardless of my own understanding or view. In accepting others as they are, I no longer have to expend negative energy at being frustrated at the lack of understanding. I can just do what I'm called to do by God...love.