Gorgeous fall colors! I love the deep reds, variant shades of orange, the bright yellows, all mixed in with the green still left from summer. Trees in fall make me smile. Checking out the trees in fall with my little family makes me smile more. Gracie in my parents' backyard, October 2009...
Doug & Gracie at Oregon Heritage Farms, October 2010 & October 2011
We missed a fall foliage picture in 2012, but continued the tradition of the "Daddy & Gracie at the apple farm" picture at Oregon Heritage Farms in 2013...
This weekend we made our annual stop at the apple farm, and Gracie was decked out in her pumpkin hat...the same one she is wearing in her 2009 picture, it's a Gymboree size 18-24 months!! Here she is with Daddy at Oregon Heritage Farms, October 2014...
To say that time flies by is so redundant, it's an excuse we over-use to explain away why we haven't done something or why we haven't been in touch with someone. There is truth in the statement, time really does go by quickly and each 24 hour day comes to a close before we've gotten to everything and everyone on the to-do list. However, time hasn't changed over the years...1 hour is still 60 minutes, 1 day is still comprised of 24 hours. What has changed is how much we take on to fill our 24 hours with. We over-book, over-extend, over-commit. Life has taken on such a fast pace, technology has increased how quickly we can get things done and how we correspond with others, we have unwittingly adapted by taking on more than we realistically should.
That said, although I could easily fill this post with all the reasons why the past two months since my last post have flown by, I will refrain. I will instead say this...life has been busy and full, and because I've been focused on living each day fully and getting things done, I have taken time off from my blog. Have I over-booked, over-extended, over-committed? Absolutely. This is my nature though, and while I am fully capable of knowing when I need to say 'no', I still far too often find myself saying 'yes'. It's difficult for me not to offer my assistance and skills, especially when it's something I excel at! PTA Treasurer? Sure, bookkeeping and accounting are what I do, why not offer that help to my child's school? Preschool Cropping Coordinator? Sure, I'm a scrapbooker, I can coordinate helping parents put together keepsake scrapbooks for the preschoolers. Play piano for the Youth Choir at Mass? Sure, I've been doing that off and on since I was 10, I can handle playing once a month...at two Masses...in my hometown parish, even though I live half an hour away now.
The thing is, I enjoy being able to lend my knowledge and skills to others. Volunteering is quickly becoming a lost art, and there is a huge need for it in so many places...schools, churches, kids sports. I'm thankful that my husband is interested in sports and coaching, and I know that when that time comes (if you've seen my son throw a football or shoot a basketball, kick a soccer ball or hit the baseball, then you'll realize that it's inevitable that we will be partaking in kids sports!!), he will take on those volunteer roles and I will easily be able to say 'no' to that!!
Along with the balancing and juggling act that is my daily life, it has been a very full two months of summer ending, school starting, settling in to new routines. First Grade began without a hitch, although six weeks later we are dealing with some major struggles with our anxious, stubborn girl, so we're working through some things and advocating for her in the classroom. Preschool has been a great experience thus far, with the only rough "don't leave me here" morning being the one where I was dropping him off instead of daddy!! Little guy is very excited about a field trip to the Pumpkin Patch this week, which Dad will accompany him on. With the warm days winding down and the chill of Fall coming, Doug is starting to line up his indoor projects that will keep him busy for the next few months. A kitchen overhaul and a master bathroom shower replacement, on a tight budget, are on the agenda, so he has his work cut out for him!
We continue to be thankful for each day spent together as a family, grateful for the blessings of nearby family and friends, and hopeful that we'll get through our struggles with the grace of God. When the weeks go by without a post on my blog, it's not so much because time is flying by as it is because I am taking time off. Time off from technology, time off from dwelling on issues and drama, time off from being online. Time off from the cyber-world to spend in the real-world!
This is a word that has many stigmas attached to it; we fear talking openly about it; we wonder if it's real or a made up thing. Those living within its clutches fear acceptance if they share their struggles. Those who have never felt the darkness cannot understand it. It's one of those things in life that you simply cannot comprehend or understand unless you have it. It's hard for a happy-go-lucky person to wrap their heads around you feeling down and dark, even while you may be living a content and full life. How do you explain those feelings of emptiness and uneasiness that can grip your entire being, even while you are living a daily life of general content and happiness? Depression doesn't mean you're unhappy; depression means that even when you are happy, there is a cloud over it, a cover of darkness that you cannot fully brush away. Even when you are married to somebody you love and care about, even when you go to work at a job you enjoy, even when you have children who mean the world to you, even when you have family and friends who care about you and who you love and would never want to hurt; even when you have all these things going for you, and you have a solid relationship with the Lord, and you have faith and hope; even then...there is a cloud, there is darkness within you, there is a struggle to keep the smile on your face, a struggle to get up in the morning and face the day knowing that the cloud will be there, knowing that it will try to drag you deeper into its clutches, knowing that no matter how strong you try to be, you will not be strong enough to completely destroy the cloud.
This cloud is real. Depression is real. Depression is life-altering, and it can consume a person so wholly, so completely, that regardless of every good thing going on in their life, regardless of the love they have, regardless of friends reaching out to them or family trying to help them, they feel there is no way they will ever overcome the cloud; no way they will ever overcome the depths of despair they feel. So they end it.
No more pain, no more darkness, no more cloud. Many consider this a selfish out; leaving behind family and friends to pick up the pieces of your life. We must be careful to judge so quickly, especially if you have never lived with that cloud of depression in your life, in your mind, in your body. It's very real, and it's very very difficult at times to see how you can continue day in and day out with that cloud affecting your every moment. I venture to say that many who end their life because of this feel they are actually doing the best thing for their family and friends; they likely consider it selfish to continue living with this despair that makes it so hard to get through the day. It can feel selfish to rely on those around you to deal with things while you lie in bed listless. It can feel selfish to watch your children playing, and begging for your attention, while you sit on the couch unable to get up and tend to them. It can feel selfish to sit at your desk while your co-workers bustle about getting work done while you sit staring at your computer screen unable to start on a project. It can feel selfish to be unable to overcome any of these things; to feel as though you cannot climb out of the darkness even though you want to. You want to smile, play, work, love, laugh...you don't want to feel the way you do. But you are powerless to stop it. Powerless to rid yourself of the cloud. Powerless to get past it, get over it, get above it.
Medication to balance the chemicals in your brain and body can help; therapy and talking about the darkness and helplessness can help; support from loved ones can help. Often times the cloud will be lifted, perhaps briefly, perhaps for a long period of time. For many, medication helps lift the cloud enough that they can live life pretty fully. For some, however, the cloud never dissipates, regardless of medication, therapy, support. It hovers, dragging them down, and they seek peace. They seek relief. They seek release. Rather than judge them for this, let's work on educating others about this illness. Let's work together on supporting those we love and care about who live under the cloud of depression. Let's rid the stigma attached to the illness of depression, so they aren't afraid to talk about it, to seek help for it.
You may never understand the illness of depression, and that's okay. In fact it's pretty great, because it likely means you don't suffer from this illness on any level. As one who does suffer, daily, from the clutches of depression, I urge you to not seek understanding then, but to seek acceptance. Acceptance that this illness IS an illness, acceptance that the cloud of depression likely affects many in your life, acceptance of the times that it means they can't interact fully with you, acceptance that depression is a condition that needs to be talked about and supported.
Praying that Robin Williams, the Newberg, Oregon mother who was found recently, the man I knew from high school who left his family recently, and all others who have felt that death was their only way out from the cloud of depression are all resting in peace, and that the loved ones they left behind are able to accept that they are now fully at peace, and that we can learn something from the losses and educate ourselves and others on this illness.
Tomorrow we turn the calendar to the first day of August, and with that comes the downhill side of summer vacation. No complaints about that, all vacations must end at some point, and with 4 weeks of summer vacation left, we'll be sure to pack in plenty of fun times and happy family memories. The past 7 weeks of summer vacation have been full of wonderful time spent as a family, and with friends and extended family. Having a school-aged child brings a new element to summer vacation; those precious weeks between school years when the Oregon sunshine brings hot days and breezy nights, outdoor fun, weekend getaways, day trips, and time spent with friends and family. Staying up late, sleeping in, not sticking to a schedule. Well, for the kids anyway, working parents have to continue to get to the office and get work done, but the daylight lasts longer and the kids can stay up later, and we can enjoy some extra time with them. Alas, the unscheduled lazy days are quickly dwindling, and I've warned the kids (and husband!) that we will be starting up our school schedule again on August 11th, giving all of us plenty of time to get used to the earlier bedtime and alarm going off before school resumes in September. I'm getting lonely being the only one up early in the morning, and it's so hard to leave the house when everyone else is cozily sleeping so soundly!
Here are some highlights of our many summer adventures so far. We are taking full advantage of Doug not working this summer!
We first celebrated 2 big graduations in the family...our own Gracie-girl graduated from Kindergarten on June 11th and on June 16th my baby sister Emily graduation from Portland State University with her Bachelor's Degree in Anthropology. I was honored to be one of her 6 guests at the grad ceremony held on Father's Day at the Moda Center in Portland. This momma is very proud of her baby girl for getting through her first year of school, and her baby sister for getting through her final year of college!
Camping at Fort Stevens with the Breazile's in June...so much fun to camp with another family, we loved watching the kids play and being able to share our favorite Warrenton sights! Enjoyed a truly gorgeous sunset at the beach where the Peter Iredale Shipwreck is; it was captured on film by Jason and I received a framed picture of it for my birthday, so beautiful!
A nice birthday dinner at BJ's Restaurant with my dear parents and the Breazile family. Not to mention, a fabulous gift from my dad and husband of clearing the front yard, followed the next week by Doug putting down beautiful river rock, completing a project we sort of started (talking about anyway!) right before I had Joel (so 4 years ago!!)
Camping at Mt. Hood Village in Welches over the Fourth of July weekend with the Breazile's and their friends. More great time for the kids to play, setting off fireworks, a trip to Timberline to play in the snow while the sun beat down on us. Such a nice trip for Doug's first July 4th holiday to NOT be working!!
On Joel's 4th birthday we headed to my parents' house in Scappoose to enjoy their air conditioning and the company of my brother's kids, in town from Corvallis for the afternoon. We had my other brother and his family over for a spaghetti dinner, gift opening and birthday cake. Earlier in the day Joel was given his 'big' gift from us...a new Hot Wheels bike with revving action, in his favorite color of orange!
A little break in the summer heat brought us some much needed rain, but with the temps staying warm and muggy, it was perfect weather for the kids to play outside, jumping in muddy puddles & singing in the rain! That day also found Doug putting together Joel's Jeep Mega Blocks set that was a birthday gift from his Great-Papa Ed...the set came with 770 pieces and it took Doug 6+ hours to put it all together!!
Our county fair came to town last weekend, and we enjoyed two fun-filled evenings there. The fair itself is free admission, which is so nice! We aren't fans of rides, so with just having to pay $5 for parking, this makes an affordable evening of family fun. (Of course, there is kettle corn and cotton candy to buy!) Thursday we took in the booths, had some hot dogs, and spent a couple hours watching the Breazile's teen daughter show her sheep in the FFA ring. Friday evening, Doug and Joel watched a Motor Mania show in the arena, which had monster trucks, motorcycles, demolition derby and more. Gracie and I wandered the fairgrounds during that time, she got her face painted as a panda bear, we enjoyed some hawaiian shave ice, and got our exercise in walking the grounds several times!
After graduating college, Emily started a part-time summer job as a Ranger at Fort Vancouver Park in Vancouver, Washington. On Saturday we took a day trip to check out the Fort, a place neither Doug nor I have been to since we were kids. We started at the Pearson Air Museum, then headed down the road to Fort Vancouver. Emily gave us some great background info and tours of a couple buildings, we checked out the rest on our own, then she swore the kids in as Junior Rangers. We had a nice picnic dinner at the park right across the street when she got off work, then we watched the beginning of a vintage baseball game the Fort put on. The sun was hot and the kids got bored quickly, so we moved down the park to a very fun playground that was in the shade and Doug and I got caught up on Emily's summer and her hopes for what she'll do after summer. She's really enjoying the job and is hoping to get a full-time position with the Fort, as they do have year-round employment opportunities. Oh and...her boyfriend of 2 years proposed to her at their county fair on July 16th, at the top of the ferris wheel and with our mom's engagement ring! Very "them"!! So happy for her, and Nick!
We are looking forward to the annual church camp-out in Vernonia next weekend, which we have missed the last couple of years. Following that, we will begin settling in to our school-year routines to get the kids ready so the waking up early isn't too much of a shock after Labor Day! It's been a truly enjoyable summer, and we feel so blessed to have the time to spend with our kids, our friends, and our family. In the year since Doug left his job, he has been able to make up for so much lost time with the kids, and we truly love just being together as a family unit in the evenings when I get home from work. Playing outside, having home-cooked dinners at the table, watching movies, playing games and WII, trips to the library and reading together, camping out in the living room where the A/C unit is on nights that don't cool down in the bedrooms. Just enjoying each day to its fullest, no regrets, loving and laughing. We are blessed. God is good!
One year ago, I was turning 35, Doug was facing his last day at his job of 16 years, Joel was about to be 3, Gracie was going to be starting Kindergarten. We were excited for where the next year would take our family, with my going to work full-time and Doug being a stay-at-home dad; with Gracie starting the school adventure and meeting new friends; with Joel outgrowing the Terrible Twos and entering the slightly more mature Terrible Threes. We were newly involved in a company called AdvoCare that was helping us be healthier and more social. We were looking forward to true weekends, more family time, a regular sleep schedule for Doug. I was anxiously anticipating what the Lord had in store for the Goodrich 4 in my 36th year of life.
So, here we are, here I am, a year later, now age 36, and all those things we were looking forward to are now past experiences, rather than future anticipations.
And I wouldn't change one single thing about the past year.
It was not without its trials, it was not perfect. It didn't all go according to plan (well, not according to MY plan anyway!).
Kindergarten was a huge transition for Gracie, she struggled, I struggled. We had to learn about her anxiety and how it takes hold of her and freezes her, how it was more than her just being shy, or timid, or stubborn. But she overcame so much, she faced her fears head-on every day and she worked through the anxiety, and she had a fantastic year of growth. She made new friends, I made new friends. She bonded well with her teacher, who was so patient and understanding with Gracie, yet firm at the same time, and who rejoiced in every victory along with us! She learned to "do courage" and to be brave.
Not working was a huge transition for Doug, he struggled, I struggled. It sounds so ideal, like a vacation with no end. But after having a schedule and a place to go for 16 years, after working hard and providing financially, it's not quite so easy to dive into being at home raising young kids and keeping up the house. Kids are work! Probably harder work than any job any of us go to! It's definitely not a vacation, but Doug has settled into it, has had some amazing time with his kids, has gotten many long-overdue projects checked off his to-do list, and has not missed the retail life.
Turning 3 was not a magical turning point for Joel, as all parents of young children know, 3 can be more difficult than 2! Yes, now there is understanding about a lot more, but there is a will as well. A strong one in Joel's case, as should be expected with two strong-willed parents. This is one tough little boy! He loves sports, cars and trucks, playing outside, watching cartoons. He loves antagonizing his big sister (who usually starts it...) and getting his way. He does not love being told no. He does not love sleeping in his own bed. He does not love having to wait. But he has done so much growing this past year, and is such a little boy now! More boy than toddler, and we look forward to his turning 4 this weekend, and starting Preschool in the fall.
Working full-time was fortunately an easy transition for me, as I am so blessed to have an employer who understands the concept of "family first", and allows me to continue to have some flexibility in my schedule. I'm also blessed with amazing Admin teams at both offices, who keep things going day-to-day even when I'm not there. We've adjusted to making less income, and anticipate being able to keep Doug home for at least another year, as we get through Preschool for Joel and First Grade for Gracie (all day school! eating lunch in the cafeteria! all her friends have moved away! new teacher! It will be another huge transition for our courageous girl!). We continue to use AdvoCare's first-class products to keep us healthy, and we enjoy the opportunity to share them with others who are looking for better health and wellness.
I love the opportunity a birthday provides me...a chance to look back over the past year and reflect on the blessings and moments of joy and love. It also provides the opportunity to look forward to the next year, and anticipate the milestones that the year will hold. I am ready for my 37th year of life, and thankful for all that my past, present, and future holds!
It is so easy to judge others. To think that we know what's best for them, or how they should live, or the choices they should make. I would say that one of my biggest flaws is my judgement of others. It's well-meaning, but it's fruitless. Here's the thing...I can't live anyone's life for them. I can't tell them what to do, how to be, what choice to make. Well, I can tell them, but I sure can't make them listen! I don't know where they've been, what they've done, how they feel. Even if I think I do, I really don't. I'm not in their head, in their heart, feeling their emotions. And often times, the judgement put forth by one to another can cause more damage than the intended good. I might think I know what's best, or what's right, or what should be done, but truly...I am not all-knowing, I don't have all the answers. And even when I think I do, I'm often wrong.
God has not called upon us to lay judgement on others. He has called upon us to simply love others. To be caring and kind to each other. To allow those around us to make their own choices, often times to fail, and not to pick them apart for that but to be there offering them a hand to help them up. We can offer advice, opinions, the choice we might make. But we cannot, or should not, turn away when they choose a different path, or ignore the advice, or have a differing opinion.
It's a simple concept, to just love. To just accept. To just let each person be their unique self. It's not always so simple to employ the concept, unfortunately, because we so easily get caught up in our own self, our own thoughts and feelings, our own judgement of what is right or wrong. We get caught up in being socially acceptable, or politically correct, of not wanting to offend anybody, of needing to be sure everybody is being treated equally.
Here's the thing...we aren't all equal. God didn't create us to be "equal". He created us to be "individual". No two alike. Unique. His intention was that we would work together with our unique talents to create the whole; not that we would all be equal in our talents, traits, and strengths, and not that we would act alone in our work, our play, our life. We were meant to love each other, to help each other, to encourage each other, to support each other. We were meant to listen to each other and offer advice and wisdom...without judgement. We were meant to help each other find and fulfill their potential, to lend a hand when our talent can help someone else reach their purpose. To do all these things with love, expecting nothing in return.
The only "equal right" that we need to be discussing these days is the right to love and be loved. By all. Without judgement. We don't have to like each other, we don't have to agree with each other's choices on how they live their life, we don't even have to interact with those that are toxic to us, but we need to show everyone love and respect. Treat everyone kindly. We need to stop trying to be equal to everyone, and embrace who we uniquely are.
The next time you find yourself judging another, stop for a moment, dismiss the judgmental thoughts, and choose instead to accept and love that person. After all, you wouldn't want them judging you, would you?
When I started writing my blog a year ago, I titled it 'Sufficient Grace' because I firmly believe in the importance of God's grace. I also believe that His grace IS sufficient, if we allow it to be. I also believe that we are called to grant grace to others, on a regular basis, and without judgement. I won't lie and say that I do this regularly myself, for I know one of my weaknesses is to be judgmental towards others.
What, then, is grace? And what does it even mean to "grant grace" to another? As I looked for a true definition online, I stumbled upon this:
What is the Biblical Meaning of Grace?
Answer
The meaning of grace can be found in an acronym of the word: 'God's Riches At Christ's Expense'. This means we, though sinful, can partake in God's kingdom because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross. Grace is essentially getting what we do not deserve -- Heaven
There you have it, the basic meaning of God's Grace is being given another opportunity, or being forgiven for a mistake, even when we don't truly deserve it. Even when we knowingly sinned, or didn't listen to God and chose our own way, He will grant us grace and forgiveness. He will allow us to try again, and He will continue to grant us grace if we continue to do wrong. Wow! Not only that, but His grace is sufficient to allow us to be forgiven and to move on.
We all need grace, regularly, and we all need to give grace to others, regularly. You cannot know what silent struggles, inner pains, or personal anguishes another is going through. Try hard to not judge, but instead to grant grace for their actions. Whether it's the unhelpful customer service rep on the phone, or the unfriendly waiter at the restaurant, or the unbending cashier who is standing firm on "store policy", or the unyielding child throwing a tantrum in the store while mom ignores or gives in to their demands - choose grace, smile, be positive and polite, and remember that you simply do not know what the day is like in their shoes, nor do you know if you giving them that bit of grace may be all they need to turn their attitude around.
God's grace is sufficient, and is never-ending. I am working hard to stop judging, and simply pass that courteous gesture of grace along. I hope others will see fit to give me grace as well. I feel like I need it often!
So there's this little Disney movie you may have heard about recently...
This movie is a big hit with our kids. First, it was released to movie theaters on Gracie's birthday last fall. Gracie had never been to see a movie in the theater, but she really really wanted to see Frozen. She worried it would be too loud; she worried there would be too many people; she worried she wouldn't like the experience, and she worried because she didn't know what to expect. But oh how she wanted to fight that worry and see Frozen, in the theater, on her birthday, with her best friend from school! So we made plans, but we kept it casual. She knew that she could change her mind right up until we bought tickets. We had a nice lunch at her favorite restaurant, we went bowling (also something she had never done before) and had a great time with that, and her friend gave her a movie ticket, told her how much fun he had going to the theater, and helped her get excited about seeing the movie. So we went! And she was nervous, she took earmuffs in case it was too loud and she did use them a few times. She sat pretty frozen in her seat the whole time, very cautious because the theater seats didn't feel secure and steady to her, but she smiled and she laughed, and when the movie was done, she could not stop talking about it!
I feel I must mention here that, if you haven't read my previous blog posting about Gracie's anxiety, you should. That post explains how she gets literally frozen with her anxiety, and at times cannot move or speak. I think there is most definitely a special connection that she feels with this movie called Frozen, because she can relate to the fear and anxiety that Elsa deals with that causes her to react by freezing the air around her. Elsa cannot control this fear at times, so she shuts herself down and shuts herself away to protect those she loves. I think it must be like that for Gracie sometimes, in her mind, and she freezes in order to control her anxiety. After seeing Frozen just once, she was able to verbalize her understanding of Elsa's fear, and of course to ponder that she wishes she could be an ice queen and freeze everything around her!
Fast forward to March and Spring Break and the big Blu-Ray/DVD release of Frozen. Gracie saved her money and Daddy took her to Target the day it came out, and we have watched it no less than 35 times since then! The best part is, Joel loves it too! And even Dad and I can handle watching it over and over. Well, maybe me more so than Dad! Joel bought Gracie the CD soundtrack a couple weeks ago when he got a special "no-Gracie" trip to Target with mommy, and they listen to that when they aren't watching the movie. Gracie loves every song, knows every line of the movie at this point, and honestly, has learned some great lessons from this Disney gem.
My favorite of the lessons we've taken from Frozen is: Let It Go!! Not only is the song fantastic, but the words are very fitting for our Gracie-girl. Basically, Elsa is singing about not letting her fears hold her back any longer, about just being happy and comfortable being who she is, and about letting go of the past and not dwelling on it. There really is something for everyone to learn in these statements! I absolutely love listening to Gracie sing the song, even more so because I know that she looks to Elsa as a role model now; Elsa learned how to let go and not be afraid, and that encourages Gracie to work on doing that too.
If you haven't seen Frozen yet, my kids and I highly recommend it! You may not be all that excited about "another Disney princess movie", but this one really seemed different to me. The story-line wasn't based around a princess finding her true-love-prince and slaying the villain and living happily-ever-after in the castle. Rather, this movie is about the bond between sisters that cannot be shattered; about discovering your true self and allowing yourself to be comfortable and confident with you; about living in the moment. Besides which, you will not find a cuter character than the lovable snowman Olaf, and if you like nothing else about this movie, you will surely enjoy him!
And with that, I must end this now, because after all "the sky's awake, so I'm awake, so I hafta play!"...time for this momma to go enjoy her kiddos!
Parenting
is hard. It is work. It is hard work. It is relentless, never-ending, hard
work.
Oh
but the joy you receive as the tradeoff cannot be described adequately!
You won’t think of the joy when you’re in the
midst of a full-on tantrum of epic proportions. You won’t think of the joy when
you’re covered in your child’s vomit, or poop, or pee. You won’t think of the
joy when you are unable to go to the bathroom by yourself, let alone have ten
minutes uninterrupted to take a shower. And these things will all happen,
multiple times.
But when your child settles in next to you on
the couch, fresh from an evening bath, in cozy pajamas, and snuggles up to you,
you will be overwhelmed with joy. You will be in awe at this person that you
created, and are nurturing and raising to be their own person. The joy will
come as each new day unfolds and you watch your child learn about their world,
discover who they are, try new things, develop an independent personality.
What happens though, when the joy is clouded
by doubt, when you aren’t sure that your child is “normal”, when you sense
there is something just a bit off with them? We hear so much about the difficulties
of parenting, the work. We hear so much about the joy of parenting, the awe of
watching that little life develop. We do hear about some of the bigger
challenges some children and parents are faced with, birth defects, autism, asthma,
vision issues; things that are readily diagnosable and often times noticeable
from a young age. What about the things that are not easily diagnosed, are not
easily recognized as abnormal, are not talked about because parents think they’re
the only ones dealing with it? What of the child with extreme anxiety, who does
not and simply cannot interact “normally” with others? This child will be
labeled as “shy”, “quiet”, her parents will be looked upon as coddling her,
holding her back because they won’t force her to be more sociable, to leave her
comfort zone.
This child is my child. And this parent was
in denial for five years that there was anything more than a shy, timid,
stubborn personality going on. This parent did try to force her child to be
more sociable; she tried to force her to talk to people, to attend social
functions and not cling to me the entire time; to be “normal”. I tried, I
pushed, I pleaded, I made deals, offered bribes, anything that came to mind in
the moment when we were dealing with a situation where she was frozen, unable
to speak or move, unable to interact with her relatives, her doctor, her peers
in Sunday School. Nothing worked; she would continue to be a statue, looking at
the floor, not speaking. Often times crying, sometimes clinging to me as though
her life depended on me. Which, truthfully, in her state of mind, it did. It
does. She needs to be able to depend on me, because she is unable to allow
herself to depend on someone or something she does not know.
My child has extreme anxiety; she is not able
to express this or tell us that she feels anxious, but her behavior and her
inability to control the freezing has taught us that this is what she’s dealing
with. It comes across to others as shyness, as stubbornness, as if she is
playing a game and choosing not to speak to them. At times, she is doing
exactly that, but more often than not, she is literally frozen in her mind and
is not able to speak or move, to force herself to cooperate. Anxiety has taken
over, and until she is either removed from the situation or wrapped in the
comforting arms of dad or mom, she cannot relax, she cannot function.
I spent five years not recognizing the extremity
of her condition; just being frustrated that she wasn’t cooperative, that she
wasn’t doing what I wanted, that she wasn’t acting like the kid I wanted her to
be (carefree, relaxed, friendly). How I wish that I had realized sooner that
there was more going on than just a timid nature compounded by extreme
stubbornness. It’s moot at this point, for the only way to live life is in the
present and moving forward, so it is in the moving forward that I am taking
steps to learn about how she copes, how her mind works, how anxiety gets the
best of her and causes her to freeze up. I know she wants to be carefree, to be
able to talk and play with her classmates, to cooperate with the dentist, to
let go and have fun at a social event. She wants to not worry, to not be
scared, to not feel panic at the thought of new things. Her reality, however,
is that there is a psychological challenge she is unable to overcome simply
because she “wants to”. Anxiety, for her, is a block to being and feeling “normal”.
She’s intelligent, bright, charismatic, funny, talented, imaginative; she is a
healthy and happy kid. But she is hindered by this fear she can’t really
explain, frozen by anxieties she can’t put into words, held back at times by
her body’s inability to cooperate with her mind’s desire.
I realize now how scary that must be for a
child; how frustrating and sad, to want to do or say something but for your
body to not cooperate. And then for those around you, not to mention your own
mother, to try and push you, to force you to cooperate, when as much as you
want to, you simply cannot. Wow.
I hope someday, several years from now, when
we’ve been able to help her overcome the crushing anxiety, that my daughter
will read this post I’ve written, and know that from the bottom of my heart, I’m
sorry that I didn’t realize earlier in her life that she was frozen with fear,
and that I’m sorry that we didn’t start working on helping her be brave sooner.
For she is just that – brave. So brave! She doesn’t even know how big her brave
can be, once we break down the fears and anxieties that have paralyzed her. We’re
learning tools and techniques to help her overcome the anxiety, we’re coaching
her properly now when issues arise rather than just trying to force her to do
what we want. She’s grown so much since starting Kindergarten, she has been so
brave and conquered one obstacle after another. Granted, her obstacles are
often put in place by her anxiety, so what is a huge progress for her may seem
like an everyday nothing to most. This can be difficult to accept as a parent,
when you of course want your child to be “normal”.
Yes, parenting is hard work. Yes, parenting
brings about joyful rewards. Yes, every parent wants their child to be “normal”.
But truly, what is “normal”? Just be yourself! Embrace your uniqueness! I’ve
always believed in this, have never been one to conform to societal norms, but
my daughter has taught me in the past six months the incredible importance of
allowing a child to just be who they are naturally, to not place labels on
them. My daughter has taught me, and is learning, how to be brave in the face
of adversity, and how to be your own biggest advocate.
Parenting is hard. Parenting a child with anxiety
is extra hard. Learning to be patient and understanding is triple hard. But it’s
all worth it for the joy that comes along with the difficulties.
And if you interact with my dear Gracie-girl,
and she won’t talk to you or look at you; if she seems frozen and unable to
play with your child or participate in your activity, you will hopefully now
have a bit of understanding as to why. It’s not you, she experiences anxiety
with family, friends, and strangers alike. It’s not the situation, she
experiences anxiety in new places and familiar places alike. It’s nothing she
is doing intentionally to hurt your feelings, or to anger her mother (!!!), or
to let anybody down. She is just frozen with anxiety, her body is refusing to
cooperate with her mind, and she is doing what she can to overcome it. You may
see her flick the “worry bully” off her shoulder, stomp on him and say “leave
me alone”. You may see her count to 10 and take deep breaths, as she relaxes
herself. You may see her cower back, but then all of a sudden take a bold step
forward and say “thank you”. I hope you will be encouraging when you witness
any of these behaviors, as they are all signs that she is working hard to be
brave. I hope you will recognize that it’s not easy for her, it’s not natural,
she is struggling, but she is determined. I hope you will get the chance to see
how big her brave is, and to appreciate the difference in her and the growth
she makes.
I give my husband a hard time about being a packrat, about keeping anything and everything that he thinks "may have a use some day". Over the years, I have become a "move it on out" girl. I like to get rid of stuff, simplify, try to keep the house organized. It would seem to be more logical that I just not buy that stuff in the first place, something my mother and sisters remind me. Often. But alas, I love to find deals, I love to snag a good bargain, and let's be honest...I love to shop. Doug, not so much. He would rather not have to shop for anything, ever. Except maybe truck parts. But, he does love to find a deal and snag a bargain...and he's managed to do that twice in recent weeks, much to the pure joy and delight of his children!
Doug's Deal #1: Gracie's friend showed her his new loft bed, and she thought that was pretty cool. Doug thought how nice it was to have all that extra storage underneath the bed. He asked Gracie if she might want a loft bed, so she could have more room for all her stuff, and she said of course. Not one to just buy something that he thinks he can make himself, Doug set about looking at ideas online. Within no time, he had drawn up a little blueprint and had found a good amount of lumber to get started with in his "saving it for some day" piles outside. I came home from work one evening and the project was well underway in my parking spot in the garage. Between what Doug had found in his stash, and some pieces he salvaged from the throw-away pile at my work, he ended up making a loft bed for a grand total of $30...and that was spent only on bolts, and paint! He started painting it with the pink that we had leftover from Gracie's room, but it was too light so I suggested he take her to The Home Depot to pick out a bright, fun color. Within a couple of weeks, Gracie's bed was built, painted, installed in her room, and she has enjoyed sleeping in it every night since! And I have enjoyed her room being less cluttered!
Doug's Deal #2: During one of his recent Craigslist browsing sessions, Doug came across a listing for a free kids ATV. The person getting rid of it said that it probably just needed a new battery, they weren't really sure, but it didn't run. Well Doug figured he could put the Power Wheels battery in it, and knowing how obsessed Joel is these days with ATV's and "muddy water mud trucks", he headed over to pick it up. Less than 24 hours later, he had it running after finding there was just something wrong with a wire connected to the battery! So now the kids can ride around on the ATV and the Power Wheels Silverado, without fighting about who gets to drive! Score!!
Have you been watching the Olympics? We aren't huge followers, but we do watch some every evening, and we certainly get excited to see our USA athletes winning medals, setting records, achieving their dreams. I believe that every Olympian has something very important in common...they have a dream, and they are living that very dream by competing in the Olympics. Do you have an Olympic-size dream? Are you doing everything you can today, so that you can see that dream realized eventually?
A year ago, we had a huge dream. We dreamed of Doug quitting his retail job, and freeing our family from the chaos that a retail schedule brings. We dreamed of having a set routine for Gracie when Kindergarten started. We dreamed of having more energy to cope with Joel's toddler tantrums and frustrations. We dreamed of being a closer family unit, of having more time together, of not always being on the go.
While we dreamed, we also prayed. We prayed that God would allow us to see the dream fulfilled, but that He would show us His plans for us even if our dream was not His plan. We prayed that if He saw Doug quitting his job as being the right thing for our family, He would open our eyes to a way to make that happen. We prayed that if the time came for us to take that leap of faith, He would give us peace with the decision.
In July, our family won our gold medal...we saw our dream realized...we stood on the podium and were cheered on by our friends and family. Doug has now been a stay-at-home dad for seven months; with faith in God and determination to show our children a more stable life, we achieved the fulfillment of a dream.
But much like Olympic athletes, the fulfillment of one dream doesn't mean that our dreaming is done. There are more medals to win; more records to set; more dreams to achieve. We must always be striving for more, be working towards realizing another dream. This must be balanced, though, with living today and not missing the moments that are happening now. It can be a tricky balancing act, and often times we will misstep. Embrace those missteps and use them to help you stay more evenly balanced in the future. You will not find an Olympic athlete who hasn't fallen off the balance beam, skiied off course, missed a landing. But they get up and keep going, and they often go on to win a medal, to fulfill a dream.
Your dreams can be realized. You can win your own Olympics. And you are never alone in your dreaming.
