When I started writing my blog a year ago, I titled it 'Sufficient Grace' because I firmly believe in the importance of God's grace. I also believe that His grace IS sufficient, if we allow it to be. I also believe that we are called to grant grace to others, on a regular basis, and without judgement. I won't lie and say that I do this regularly myself, for I know one of my weaknesses is to be judgmental towards others.
What, then, is grace? And what does it even mean to "grant grace" to another? As I looked for a true definition online, I stumbled upon this:
What is the Biblical Meaning of Grace?
Answer
The meaning of grace can be found in an acronym of the word: 'God's Riches At Christ's Expense'. This means we, though sinful, can partake in God's kingdom because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross. Grace is essentially getting what we do not deserve -- Heaven
There you have it, the basic meaning of God's Grace is being given another opportunity, or being forgiven for a mistake, even when we don't truly deserve it. Even when we knowingly sinned, or didn't listen to God and chose our own way, He will grant us grace and forgiveness. He will allow us to try again, and He will continue to grant us grace if we continue to do wrong. Wow! Not only that, but His grace is sufficient to allow us to be forgiven and to move on.
We all need grace, regularly, and we all need to give grace to others, regularly. You cannot know what silent struggles, inner pains, or personal anguishes another is going through. Try hard to not judge, but instead to grant grace for their actions. Whether it's the unhelpful customer service rep on the phone, or the unfriendly waiter at the restaurant, or the unbending cashier who is standing firm on "store policy", or the unyielding child throwing a tantrum in the store while mom ignores or gives in to their demands - choose grace, smile, be positive and polite, and remember that you simply do not know what the day is like in their shoes, nor do you know if you giving them that bit of grace may be all they need to turn their attitude around.
God's grace is sufficient, and is never-ending. I am working hard to stop judging, and simply pass that courteous gesture of grace along. I hope others will see fit to give me grace as well. I feel like I need it often!
So there's this little Disney movie you may have heard about recently...
This movie is a big hit with our kids. First, it was released to movie theaters on Gracie's birthday last fall. Gracie had never been to see a movie in the theater, but she really really wanted to see Frozen. She worried it would be too loud; she worried there would be too many people; she worried she wouldn't like the experience, and she worried because she didn't know what to expect. But oh how she wanted to fight that worry and see Frozen, in the theater, on her birthday, with her best friend from school! So we made plans, but we kept it casual. She knew that she could change her mind right up until we bought tickets. We had a nice lunch at her favorite restaurant, we went bowling (also something she had never done before) and had a great time with that, and her friend gave her a movie ticket, told her how much fun he had going to the theater, and helped her get excited about seeing the movie. So we went! And she was nervous, she took earmuffs in case it was too loud and she did use them a few times. She sat pretty frozen in her seat the whole time, very cautious because the theater seats didn't feel secure and steady to her, but she smiled and she laughed, and when the movie was done, she could not stop talking about it!
I feel I must mention here that, if you haven't read my previous blog posting about Gracie's anxiety, you should. That post explains how she gets literally frozen with her anxiety, and at times cannot move or speak. I think there is most definitely a special connection that she feels with this movie called Frozen, because she can relate to the fear and anxiety that Elsa deals with that causes her to react by freezing the air around her. Elsa cannot control this fear at times, so she shuts herself down and shuts herself away to protect those she loves. I think it must be like that for Gracie sometimes, in her mind, and she freezes in order to control her anxiety. After seeing Frozen just once, she was able to verbalize her understanding of Elsa's fear, and of course to ponder that she wishes she could be an ice queen and freeze everything around her!
Fast forward to March and Spring Break and the big Blu-Ray/DVD release of Frozen. Gracie saved her money and Daddy took her to Target the day it came out, and we have watched it no less than 35 times since then! The best part is, Joel loves it too! And even Dad and I can handle watching it over and over. Well, maybe me more so than Dad! Joel bought Gracie the CD soundtrack a couple weeks ago when he got a special "no-Gracie" trip to Target with mommy, and they listen to that when they aren't watching the movie. Gracie loves every song, knows every line of the movie at this point, and honestly, has learned some great lessons from this Disney gem.
My favorite of the lessons we've taken from Frozen is: Let It Go!! Not only is the song fantastic, but the words are very fitting for our Gracie-girl. Basically, Elsa is singing about not letting her fears hold her back any longer, about just being happy and comfortable being who she is, and about letting go of the past and not dwelling on it. There really is something for everyone to learn in these statements! I absolutely love listening to Gracie sing the song, even more so because I know that she looks to Elsa as a role model now; Elsa learned how to let go and not be afraid, and that encourages Gracie to work on doing that too.
If you haven't seen Frozen yet, my kids and I highly recommend it! You may not be all that excited about "another Disney princess movie", but this one really seemed different to me. The story-line wasn't based around a princess finding her true-love-prince and slaying the villain and living happily-ever-after in the castle. Rather, this movie is about the bond between sisters that cannot be shattered; about discovering your true self and allowing yourself to be comfortable and confident with you; about living in the moment. Besides which, you will not find a cuter character than the lovable snowman Olaf, and if you like nothing else about this movie, you will surely enjoy him!
And with that, I must end this now, because after all "the sky's awake, so I'm awake, so I hafta play!"...time for this momma to go enjoy her kiddos!
Parenting
is hard. It is work. It is hard work. It is relentless, never-ending, hard
work.
Oh
but the joy you receive as the tradeoff cannot be described adequately!
You won’t think of the joy when you’re in the
midst of a full-on tantrum of epic proportions. You won’t think of the joy when
you’re covered in your child’s vomit, or poop, or pee. You won’t think of the
joy when you are unable to go to the bathroom by yourself, let alone have ten
minutes uninterrupted to take a shower. And these things will all happen,
multiple times.
But when your child settles in next to you on
the couch, fresh from an evening bath, in cozy pajamas, and snuggles up to you,
you will be overwhelmed with joy. You will be in awe at this person that you
created, and are nurturing and raising to be their own person. The joy will
come as each new day unfolds and you watch your child learn about their world,
discover who they are, try new things, develop an independent personality.
What happens though, when the joy is clouded
by doubt, when you aren’t sure that your child is “normal”, when you sense
there is something just a bit off with them? We hear so much about the difficulties
of parenting, the work. We hear so much about the joy of parenting, the awe of
watching that little life develop. We do hear about some of the bigger
challenges some children and parents are faced with, birth defects, autism, asthma,
vision issues; things that are readily diagnosable and often times noticeable
from a young age. What about the things that are not easily diagnosed, are not
easily recognized as abnormal, are not talked about because parents think they’re
the only ones dealing with it? What of the child with extreme anxiety, who does
not and simply cannot interact “normally” with others? This child will be
labeled as “shy”, “quiet”, her parents will be looked upon as coddling her,
holding her back because they won’t force her to be more sociable, to leave her
comfort zone.
This child is my child. And this parent was
in denial for five years that there was anything more than a shy, timid,
stubborn personality going on. This parent did try to force her child to be
more sociable; she tried to force her to talk to people, to attend social
functions and not cling to me the entire time; to be “normal”. I tried, I
pushed, I pleaded, I made deals, offered bribes, anything that came to mind in
the moment when we were dealing with a situation where she was frozen, unable
to speak or move, unable to interact with her relatives, her doctor, her peers
in Sunday School. Nothing worked; she would continue to be a statue, looking at
the floor, not speaking. Often times crying, sometimes clinging to me as though
her life depended on me. Which, truthfully, in her state of mind, it did. It
does. She needs to be able to depend on me, because she is unable to allow
herself to depend on someone or something she does not know.
My child has extreme anxiety; she is not able
to express this or tell us that she feels anxious, but her behavior and her
inability to control the freezing has taught us that this is what she’s dealing
with. It comes across to others as shyness, as stubbornness, as if she is
playing a game and choosing not to speak to them. At times, she is doing
exactly that, but more often than not, she is literally frozen in her mind and
is not able to speak or move, to force herself to cooperate. Anxiety has taken
over, and until she is either removed from the situation or wrapped in the
comforting arms of dad or mom, she cannot relax, she cannot function.
I spent five years not recognizing the extremity
of her condition; just being frustrated that she wasn’t cooperative, that she
wasn’t doing what I wanted, that she wasn’t acting like the kid I wanted her to
be (carefree, relaxed, friendly). How I wish that I had realized sooner that
there was more going on than just a timid nature compounded by extreme
stubbornness. It’s moot at this point, for the only way to live life is in the
present and moving forward, so it is in the moving forward that I am taking
steps to learn about how she copes, how her mind works, how anxiety gets the
best of her and causes her to freeze up. I know she wants to be carefree, to be
able to talk and play with her classmates, to cooperate with the dentist, to
let go and have fun at a social event. She wants to not worry, to not be
scared, to not feel panic at the thought of new things. Her reality, however,
is that there is a psychological challenge she is unable to overcome simply
because she “wants to”. Anxiety, for her, is a block to being and feeling “normal”.
She’s intelligent, bright, charismatic, funny, talented, imaginative; she is a
healthy and happy kid. But she is hindered by this fear she can’t really
explain, frozen by anxieties she can’t put into words, held back at times by
her body’s inability to cooperate with her mind’s desire.
I realize now how scary that must be for a
child; how frustrating and sad, to want to do or say something but for your
body to not cooperate. And then for those around you, not to mention your own
mother, to try and push you, to force you to cooperate, when as much as you
want to, you simply cannot. Wow.
I hope someday, several years from now, when
we’ve been able to help her overcome the crushing anxiety, that my daughter
will read this post I’ve written, and know that from the bottom of my heart, I’m
sorry that I didn’t realize earlier in her life that she was frozen with fear,
and that I’m sorry that we didn’t start working on helping her be brave sooner.
For she is just that – brave. So brave! She doesn’t even know how big her brave
can be, once we break down the fears and anxieties that have paralyzed her. We’re
learning tools and techniques to help her overcome the anxiety, we’re coaching
her properly now when issues arise rather than just trying to force her to do
what we want. She’s grown so much since starting Kindergarten, she has been so
brave and conquered one obstacle after another. Granted, her obstacles are
often put in place by her anxiety, so what is a huge progress for her may seem
like an everyday nothing to most. This can be difficult to accept as a parent,
when you of course want your child to be “normal”.
Yes, parenting is hard work. Yes, parenting
brings about joyful rewards. Yes, every parent wants their child to be “normal”.
But truly, what is “normal”? Just be yourself! Embrace your uniqueness! I’ve
always believed in this, have never been one to conform to societal norms, but
my daughter has taught me in the past six months the incredible importance of
allowing a child to just be who they are naturally, to not place labels on
them. My daughter has taught me, and is learning, how to be brave in the face
of adversity, and how to be your own biggest advocate.
Parenting is hard. Parenting a child with anxiety
is extra hard. Learning to be patient and understanding is triple hard. But it’s
all worth it for the joy that comes along with the difficulties.
And if you interact with my dear Gracie-girl,
and she won’t talk to you or look at you; if she seems frozen and unable to
play with your child or participate in your activity, you will hopefully now
have a bit of understanding as to why. It’s not you, she experiences anxiety
with family, friends, and strangers alike. It’s not the situation, she
experiences anxiety in new places and familiar places alike. It’s nothing she
is doing intentionally to hurt your feelings, or to anger her mother (!!!), or
to let anybody down. She is just frozen with anxiety, her body is refusing to
cooperate with her mind, and she is doing what she can to overcome it. You may
see her flick the “worry bully” off her shoulder, stomp on him and say “leave
me alone”. You may see her count to 10 and take deep breaths, as she relaxes
herself. You may see her cower back, but then all of a sudden take a bold step
forward and say “thank you”. I hope you will be encouraging when you witness
any of these behaviors, as they are all signs that she is working hard to be
brave. I hope you will recognize that it’s not easy for her, it’s not natural,
she is struggling, but she is determined. I hope you will get the chance to see
how big her brave is, and to appreciate the difference in her and the growth
she makes.
I give my husband a hard time about being a packrat, about keeping anything and everything that he thinks "may have a use some day". Over the years, I have become a "move it on out" girl. I like to get rid of stuff, simplify, try to keep the house organized. It would seem to be more logical that I just not buy that stuff in the first place, something my mother and sisters remind me. Often. But alas, I love to find deals, I love to snag a good bargain, and let's be honest...I love to shop. Doug, not so much. He would rather not have to shop for anything, ever. Except maybe truck parts. But, he does love to find a deal and snag a bargain...and he's managed to do that twice in recent weeks, much to the pure joy and delight of his children!
Doug's Deal #1: Gracie's friend showed her his new loft bed, and she thought that was pretty cool. Doug thought how nice it was to have all that extra storage underneath the bed. He asked Gracie if she might want a loft bed, so she could have more room for all her stuff, and she said of course. Not one to just buy something that he thinks he can make himself, Doug set about looking at ideas online. Within no time, he had drawn up a little blueprint and had found a good amount of lumber to get started with in his "saving it for some day" piles outside. I came home from work one evening and the project was well underway in my parking spot in the garage. Between what Doug had found in his stash, and some pieces he salvaged from the throw-away pile at my work, he ended up making a loft bed for a grand total of $30...and that was spent only on bolts, and paint! He started painting it with the pink that we had leftover from Gracie's room, but it was too light so I suggested he take her to The Home Depot to pick out a bright, fun color. Within a couple of weeks, Gracie's bed was built, painted, installed in her room, and she has enjoyed sleeping in it every night since! And I have enjoyed her room being less cluttered!
Doug's Deal #2: During one of his recent Craigslist browsing sessions, Doug came across a listing for a free kids ATV. The person getting rid of it said that it probably just needed a new battery, they weren't really sure, but it didn't run. Well Doug figured he could put the Power Wheels battery in it, and knowing how obsessed Joel is these days with ATV's and "muddy water mud trucks", he headed over to pick it up. Less than 24 hours later, he had it running after finding there was just something wrong with a wire connected to the battery! So now the kids can ride around on the ATV and the Power Wheels Silverado, without fighting about who gets to drive! Score!!
Have you been watching the Olympics? We aren't huge followers, but we do watch some every evening, and we certainly get excited to see our USA athletes winning medals, setting records, achieving their dreams. I believe that every Olympian has something very important in common...they have a dream, and they are living that very dream by competing in the Olympics. Do you have an Olympic-size dream? Are you doing everything you can today, so that you can see that dream realized eventually?
A year ago, we had a huge dream. We dreamed of Doug quitting his retail job, and freeing our family from the chaos that a retail schedule brings. We dreamed of having a set routine for Gracie when Kindergarten started. We dreamed of having more energy to cope with Joel's toddler tantrums and frustrations. We dreamed of being a closer family unit, of having more time together, of not always being on the go.
While we dreamed, we also prayed. We prayed that God would allow us to see the dream fulfilled, but that He would show us His plans for us even if our dream was not His plan. We prayed that if He saw Doug quitting his job as being the right thing for our family, He would open our eyes to a way to make that happen. We prayed that if the time came for us to take that leap of faith, He would give us peace with the decision.
In July, our family won our gold medal...we saw our dream realized...we stood on the podium and were cheered on by our friends and family. Doug has now been a stay-at-home dad for seven months; with faith in God and determination to show our children a more stable life, we achieved the fulfillment of a dream.
But much like Olympic athletes, the fulfillment of one dream doesn't mean that our dreaming is done. There are more medals to win; more records to set; more dreams to achieve. We must always be striving for more, be working towards realizing another dream. This must be balanced, though, with living today and not missing the moments that are happening now. It can be a tricky balancing act, and often times we will misstep. Embrace those missteps and use them to help you stay more evenly balanced in the future. You will not find an Olympic athlete who hasn't fallen off the balance beam, skiied off course, missed a landing. But they get up and keep going, and they often go on to win a medal, to fulfill a dream.
Your dreams can be realized. You can win your own Olympics. And you are never alone in your dreaming.
Sometimes, I find that a song encompasses the very things that are on my heart. Quite often, actually, I can turn to a particular song to express how I'm feeling. The last couple of weeks have been good ones; I've been very focused on my children and my husband; on setting up and sticking to routines; on staying off the computer when I'm home so I can be more available to my children and to the routines we're enforcing for bedtime. We've spent many an evening hanging out together, as a family, enjoying each oher. These times are truly priceless, and we didn't get to have enough of them in previous years. I have wonderful childhood memories of family evenings spent playing games, reading together, watching Cosby Show. I have similar happy memories of Saturday mornings spent as a family, staying in PJ's until noon, watching Ramona, eating pancakes for breakfast. I don't take for granted that my fondest memories of growing up seem to be focused on family time together. My parents did an exceptional job of instilling in my siblings and me the importance of quality time. Family dinners every night; help with homework every evening; vacations to the beach with hours spent playing cards. Time. Together. Something I feel I failed to provide my children in my first few years of parenting. Too often the shuffling work schedules, the extracurricular demands I put on myself (it's so much easier to say "yes, I'll help with that" than to say "no", why is that?!), the exhaustion that made it difficult to do all the things that needed to be done around the house, all got to me. It was too much, and it made it way too easy to find excuses for not spending the time doing what I knew was important. But I don't let my failures hold me back from doing better about things NOW. I don't let the mistakes I made be an excuse for not improving the NOW. We made a very conscious choice in July to be better parents; to give our children what they need the most...US. Time with us. Routines, discipline, and also fun. It's not easy; Doug has had to learn how to keep the house, to plan and cook dinners, to manage the moods of a 3 and 6 year old. I have had to adjust to working full-time outside of the home for the first time in a decade. Together we've had to figure out how to make all this work outside of societal "norms", because no matter how far we've come over the years, it's still not "normal" or "routine" for the wife to be the breadwinner and the husband to be the homemaker. Fortunately, we don't care one iota about being "normal" in the eyes of society, and we are more than happy to do our part to break down stereotypes and follow our own path!
As content as I am with the decision we made for our family, and as much as I do see it working for us, I still struggle. I struggle with the weight of the financial responsibility. I struggle with the evenings that I have to work late and I miss out on time with my kids. I struggle with finding the time to do things for myself, because I don't like to take my limited time away from my kids and husband. I struggle with taking care of myself, because I'm busy taking care of others and I don't want to misstep and have it all fall down around me. I struggle, but I know that it's under control. God has it under control, He's guiding me, He'll help me keep it together if I do fall, He continues to put the right people in my path to help me, His love is unconditional and His grace is unfailing.
It isn't easy, it's not supposed to be. There are struggles, failures, missteps. But faith makes it possible; faith gets me through every step, every day. That's what faith can do, if you let it, if you trust it, if you trust Him. And if you trust yourself; trust your heart, trust your instinct. And when I forget to trust, or I forget how I know it's going to be okay, then I turn to music. I turn to the songs that can fill me back up, the words that can remind me that others have felt the same way as me, and have been gifted by God with the amazing talent of putting words and music together to uplift our soul.
It's interesting to me how we anticipate the New Year, seeing it as a new start, almost as if there's a hypothetical eraser that wipes clean the slate of the past year, and we wake up on January 1 fresh and ready for a do-over. The trouble with this is, in reality we wake up on January 1 the same as when we went to bed on December 31! The New Year isn't a magical start-over, it's not as though we wake up January 1 with everything that happened to us on December 31 being erased. If we overindulged in food or alcohol, our body still has to process that and we wake up on January 1 with a bloated gut. If we stayed up way too late and only managed a couple hours of sleep, we wake up on January 1 tired. If we gained some pounds over the holidays, we wake up on January 1 with those pounds still on us. If we went to bed with anger at a person, or feeling regret, or hurt, or any other negative emotions, we wake up on January 1 feeling those same things.
But must we? Can the New Year be a chance to start over, to re-do that which we are unhappy with from the previous year? Can we wipe the slate clean and start over with a fresh one? I believe we can, but it takes work. It's not magic, it won't just happen. It won't be done for us, we must do it for ourselves. We must also remember that in wiping the slate clean, we cannot actually wipe away the past, we merely can let it go so as not to allow it to hold us back from a better present and future.
We cannot magically undo the overindulgence of food, that must work its way through our system. We cannot magically add extra hours to the night so we wake up feeling refreshed. We cannot magically lose the pounds we gained, or discard the emotions we feel. But we can make every effort to not make those same mistakes; to not overindulge today, to not stay up so late tonight, to begin to work off some of the extra weight, to work through the negative emotions and embrace a positive outlook for today, tomorrow, and the next years worth of tomorrows.
You can make this New Year be the start of a New You. Or, you can sit back and change nothing, do nothing different, and be the Same You living in a New Year. The choice is yours. It will take work to be a new, or simply a better, you; time, effort, a conscious decision on your part to not continue whatever it is that you want changed. It may take some difficult changes; cutting unhealthy foods, excessive alcohol, cigarettes, etc out of your diet; cutting negative people who do nothing to build you up out of your life; getting yourself to a gym, or finding a workout partner, or any other means of making yourself accountable to a healthy exercise routine; turning off the TV, phone, computer and going to bed at a reasonable time. Whatever you find is holding you back, whatever is causing you to be unhealthy, or negative, or just plain unhappy...change it. Pull out of your comfort zone and make a positive change today for a better, brighter tomorrow.
Whether this New Year finds you being content to remain the Same You or striving to become a better New You, never lose sight of the True You. The elements of You that make you unique, your talents that are begging to be shared with those around you; your strenghths that you must never stop developing; your weaknesses that you must never stop improving upon. Surround yourself only with those who appreciate and love the True You. Put into your body only good, healthy things that will nurture the True You. Be mindful of the words and thoughts you are speaking, sharing, and allowing into you. Get rid of the negativity in your thoughts and attitudes, and focus on being a positive force in this uncertain world. The world needs more positivity; be what the world needs.
May you have a truly blessed, peaceful, simple 2014 full of what makes you happy!
